I feel somewhat 'tempest tossed' lately. Well, to be honest, that feeling has been going on for quite some time. Chronic illness (though I know my pain is much less than many of my dear friends) has taken its toll emotionally as well as physically. I constantly feel emotionally drained. Sometimes there are multiple times in a day when I just have to 'escape' from it and I will sleep or watch a movie. Sometimes those moments make me feel like I am giving up and sometimes I literally do for a few minutes at a time, until I can regroup and gain the courage to face a few more hours. I am making this sound a lot worse than it is. It isn't as depressing as it sounds but it is difficult. However, it is the difficulty of it that allows for the most beautiful spiritual learning that I have ever experienced in my life.
I have the most amazing opportunity to learn to use the Atonement in my life right now, though I am not always able to see it as such. That comes from being human. Sometimes I struggle on my own, thinking that I can make it and I can fix what is broken within me but that approach only leads me to great discouragement. Last weekend, I felt pretty down. The physical ailments my body has gone through in the past several months have been deeper, harder and more painful than anything I've experienced thus far in my life. They have been challenging in ways nothing else has. My empathy for those who deal with chronic pain, depression and other things is so much bigger. My heart goes out to you if you are one such person. Last weekend... I was so down. A lot of my discouragement was coming from the fact that I just couldn't make myself feel 100 % optimistic about life 24/7. I thus labeled myself as a pessimistic person because I just couldn't always feel happy about constant pain and nausea. I felt like I was sinning because I wasn't constantly optimistic. Then, after a long talk with my amazing mom, the Lord gave me the best thought ever. It was this: "What if there isn't really such a thing as being optimistic or pessimistic? What if those words, terms, emotions, whatever, are relative? Change your thoughts of whether or not you are optimistic to whether or not you have faith in Jesus Christ. My expectation of you is not that you feel happy all the time, it is just that you have faith in Jesus Christ. If your attitude is one of faith, all you need for happiness and optimism will come to you." This relieved me of labeling myself as something I didn't want to be and opened up a whole new world of becoming. Be happy all the time even when I am hurting? Maybe I can't do that, but believe in Jesus Christ? I can do that! President Monson's words, "THE FUTURE IS AS BRIGHT AS YOUR FAITH" came to life. I understand them in a way I never have before.
Heavenly Father is helping me to learn about me and He is helping me to learn about Jesus. He is helping me to learn about me and Jesus and what it means that I have a Savior who suffered and atoned for me. What more glorious truth can we have? We have the blessing of an eternal perspective as we face the challenges and sorrows of this life. We know that we do not have to stay in this place forever, but that after our brief time of testing and growth in a mortal body in a mortal world, we have blessings untold which await us for our faithful endurance. God is good. His love is everywhere. He wants us to have peace and joy. He provides the opportunity for that peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
My last thought is about the power of prayer. I have prayed all my life and have seen blessings come and things work out for me that seemed impossible. However, through this illness, I have learned more about prayer than I could have ever imagined. One of the things I love about prayer is how Heavenly Father listens. He lets me pour out my soul to Him and tell Him all about everything that I am grateful about and everything that is challenging for me. He doesn't try to stop me (though sometimes if my heart is stubborn, He reminds me of truth before I say things I don't really mean. He is so perfect!). Then, when I am done and have shared the burdens of my soul with Him, He allows His Spirit to enter my heart and give me whatever it is that I most need to keep going with hope. He encourages, enlightens, inspires and assists me. He helps me know that there is power in the Atonement of his Son. How grateful I am to know of my loving Father in Heaven who is only a prayer away. He is there for you, too. :)
Chin up.
