I feel compelled to blog today. I am not totally sure why....but I do.
All I really have is scattered thoughts, so this may not be worth it to you to read, but writing is satisfying to me.
I think almost constantly about my future family. As I date and meet various young men, I think about how there has to be someone out there who is perfect for me....Perfect? Of course not, but perfect for me? There has to be. The more young men I meet, the more convinced I become that there is someone out there for me who has the potential to be the person I need and I will be the same way for him. I have given much thought over the past couple of years to the possibility of serving a mission for the LDS Church. As I have thought this, though my soul wants to serve, there is something within me that cannot go. There is this feeling within me that has held me back, a feeling that I can't stop dating for a year and a half, and even a feeling that though no blessing would be withheld from me if I went on a mission, I may miss out on someone I would not want to miss out on if I went. (I promise I'm not making that up. That feeling has come from divine inspiration.) I trust completely in the Lord's timing. I know He will lead me to the right person and the right places at the right times. I know He will take care of me and that He has prepared a young man for me who wants the same kind of marriage and life that I do, who has hoped and planned and worked for a loving marriage and family, who has kept himself clean from the evils of this world, and who is deeply devoted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wish we could all understand that there is never any need to settle for someone who is not the kind of person we wish to be with. The Lord doesn't ever ask us to settle. He just asks us to be patient. He will lead us to where we want to go if we will ask Him and stay close to Him.
If you are LDS, I hope you know of the power found in the holy temples. Go there. Life changes when I go. I change when I go. Everything changes when I go.
One of my favorite hymns is "Where Can I Turn For Peace?" I love ALL of the verses.
"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole. Where with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart searching my soul.
Where, with my aching heart, where when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only one.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace He finds for my beseeching. Constant He is, and kind, love without end."
One of my favorite songs lately is this one ...two of the most comforting hymns ever, combined. I also love this song of hers. I just love how motherly it is. I think I just love everything motherly.
I have the opportunity to teach institute in my stake of young single adults right now. Teaching the gospel in this capacity humbles me and reminds me how much I love getting to share my feelings about the gospel. I feel so much joy and excitement every week as I study the lessons. I feel so blessed and I feel that, in a way, it is a compensating blessing of my not being meant to go on a mission.
Yesterday, my mom asked me if I'd had any good thoughts about suffering in my down time the last couple days. Let me back up. I had a gum graft done in my mouth. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, but it has been far more miserable than I had expected. Having a somewhat compromised body anyway, anything extra usually knocks me out for a few days. I've pretty much just been laying in my bed since Thursday afternoon. So, back to my mom's question ..... I told her that I hadn't. In fact, I told her I hadn't been thinking about the suffering. I had put other things into my brain. Things of laughter, of humor, of light-heartedness and relaxation. Odd as it may sound, this was significant to me. I've had a lot of physical pain and discomfort and sickness in the last several years, and have had much cause to contemplate suffering. There have been some deeply poignant moments in those times and a lot of learning has taken place. However, I feel grateful that recently I do not seem to have to go as deep emotionally with suffering. Suffering is an essential part of this life. It has the ability to soften us and to help us understand what is really important. However, I think there may be a larger place for not focusing on our suffering. When we suffer, we need not pause to think deeply about every pain we are experiencing. The Lord would have us continue on in joy, no matter what is happening. I feel that this understanding may have come to me recently....That even though I may be suffering, I don't have to stay in the suffering. I don't have to dwell on it, even if my dwelling is not a negative thing. I used to focus a lot on the suffering. The more I have suffered however, the more I have learned to distract myself from it with joyful things and the hope that this too will pass. My mom told me that she once had the impression "Don't go too deep with any trial." I have a testimony that there is joy to be found even in uncomfortable and painful situations. We can learn from every trial, but we need not be paralyzed by it or delve too deeply into them. What we need from them will come to us if we are seeking the Lord's will in our life. We can have hope and joy even as we pass through them because of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Last, I really love lullabies. I think that, again, it is because I so deeply love being a woman and the feelings that accompany that divine gender role for me...I love all things soft and sweet and tender and encouraging. This one is so cute. The same artist also has a couple others that I love here and here. And one of my favorite Christian artists wrote this one and I love it. Get ready for warm fuzzies.
