I was given a beautiful gift tonight. I have shed many tears of pain and discouragement today. Sickness, pain, and discomfort in one way or another have been almost non-stop for the past couple of months, and especially the past several weeks. Preceding and following an upper GI endoscopy to stretch my incredibly painful, swollen, and restricted esophagus which had limited my eating for a good week (and felt like it was limiting my breathing), a nasty virus struck, complete with body aches, itchy and matter-y eyes, massive nausea, and fever. Family members who had a similar thing claimed it may have come back with my brother from a hunting trip in Argentina. This lasted a full week or so and also limited my eating. Only a day or two after that seemed to finally be clearing up, stomach pain began. I recently eliminated about half of the foods that were part of my diet due to food allergies. I'd had a lot of stomach pain, cramps, and acid reflux before removing these foods. After I removed them, the stomach and intestinal pains that I couldn't figure out were almost all gone. It was wonderful! So, this new pain was unnerving. It was intense and unlike anything I've experienced in the past few years that my body has been so sick during. It began the beginning of last week. Maybe I developed some new allergy? Who knows...All I know is that this has continued since then....almost two weeks. It seems to have been getting increasingly worse. At first I only noticed it after I would eat in the morning. It was pretty mild, but Saturday night, it began to hurt as I was going to bed. It was bad. Thankfully, some essential oils cleared it up quickly and I fell asleep. It returned after I ate Sunday morning and Sunday night as I went to bed it hit again. I was wide awake, writhing on the bathroom floor for a good hour or more. It had never been that bad. I tried eating different things the next few days, and not taking some vitamins that I thought might be hurting it, but to no avail. The pain still came after almost every meal. After I ate breakfast this morning, the pain began. I laid down and waited for it to pass as it has other days, but it didn't. The normal hour or so that is has been lasting turned into 2, 3, 4. I was exhausted by the time it finally let up a little bit, but didn't leave. The pain of all day has seemed like almost more than I could bear. I haven't wanted to bear it.
However, there have been bright spots throughout the day. The biggest came tonight as my mom read a few passages out of Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven Is Here. We have both recently read it and the book itself is incredibly beautiful and inspiring. I highly recommend it. However, the tender mercy came as I heard my mom read. Her sweet voice telling a story took me back to childhood. We used to lay on her bed and she would read stories to me, often eating apple slices or carrot sticks. Haha. I LOVE this memory. I remember those carrot sticks and apple slices tasting better when they were eaten on her bed at story time than anywhere else. How I love the way she would read aloud, her voice so soft, sweet, nurturing and filled with love. I can't describe how her voice would fill me with love as she read those sweet stories to me. I somehow knew that all the love in her voice was love for me. The way she read those books to me let me know that she loved being my mother. I cherish her. She is my best friend. Tonight, the sound of her voice comforted me. For just a moment, it made everything ok as it used to. Knowing she was right there and that she has been close to me all day, and all of so many days that I have spent on the bathroom floor made me feel safe. I know I cannot begin to imagine all her sacrifices, tears, prayers, and hours spent on my behalf. But the fact that I can't is what makes me love her so much. That kind of love is so powerful. The love and influence of a faithful mother is incalculable. My eyes filled with tears as I listened to her read tonight. Tears of gratitude. Gratitude for this faithful woman who has consistently taught, tutored and stayed close to me. Gratitude for all her love, even when I am most unlovable. Gratitude for her constant presence in my life. Gratitude that her love has had the power to dispel fear, doubt, discouragement, and pain throughout my life. How grateful I am for such a mother.
As I lay on the couch, another thought came that made me feel safe. It was the hope of the future. The thought was that one day I will be laying on a couch and I will be well. I will be laying there to relax at the end of the day, and my body will no longer struggle as it does now. The person walking around the room won't be my mother but my husband. If I am laying there in sickness, perhaps it will be because another person is soon to join our family - another hopeful thought because being at that point would mean that healing had come to my body. I think often of this future and it gives me hope. It is a beacon of light in a circumstance that makes marriage and motherhood feel overwhelming, even impossible at times. Though I long for these blessings, I have recently come to appreciate the fact that they have not come to me yet as a total act of mercy from my Heavenly Father. Every time I am laying on the bathroom floor, I feel thankful that I don't have a husband in the next room and I feel the hope for recovery that will allow me to be closer to the kind of wife I want to be. I know this probably sounds funny and you may be thinking I am too young to get married anyway. All I can say, is that there has not been a day in all of my life that I have not longed for, thought about and wanted to get married and be a mom. It has always been the foremost thought and desire of the foremost importance in my mind and heart. So, as I think of the divine promises I have received over the recent years and months of recovery, I look forward. I look forward to the thing I want to be well for. I feel that I have lesser patience with my ill body than I ever have before because there is something that I soooo want to be well for. In the meantime, I am grateful that I am going through these physical trials without the responsibility of a family, though I feel assured that if I had those responsibilities right now, God would make me equal to the task. I am grateful for the hope of recovery. I am grateful for the hope and promises of a future husband and family. I am grateful to know that God sees all and hears all my prayers. I am grateful for every good day I have, for every meal I can eat. I am grateful that I have been able to hold to my faith through it all. And I am grateful that in moments of pain, I can have profound spiritual realizations and feelings of gratitude because of the hope that comes through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice.
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