Obsessed...

I am obsessed with getting married. Because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and my understanding of my divine nature, marriage and motherhood are my greatest desires in this life. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was not obsessed with having a husband and family. I think back to my childhood and remember how strong those feelings were. My make-believe games were always to do with my husband and children. I had names for all of them, and would walk them up and down the hall by my bedroom pretending I was soothing a fussy baby at church. Haha...Clearly this has been occupying the brain for quite a while.

Marriage is much more appealing to me because I know it can be forever. I do not think I would want it if I thought it was going to end. This song (http://www.jaredosmond.com/the-story-behind-the-music-of-jared-osmond/innocent-ones-2/this-is-heaven/) expresses my feelings somewhat. My favorite line is "And so this is the plan of God, to never have to let go." The thought of never having to let go, never having to really say goodbye fills me with the greatest sweetest happiness. I feel so blessed to be among the minority in the world who know that their marriage and their family can last forever. Marriage has always been something that I have wanted to give everything to. I have seen and felt portions of the great love I know I will possess for the person I marry, but I feel that the love I have felt for others has truly been only a portion. When I think about what a marriage is, I am overwhelmed by what I imagine that love must feel like. To be willing to share all that you do in a marriage, I know that it will be a love far beyond anything I have yet experienced in my life and I so look forward to feeling that love for someone. A previous CES Instructor of mine and good friend of our family told me on several occasions that he could sense from me how much I would love my husband one day. He assured me that though that intense love I often have for people made life difficult at age 17, that great love would be a blessing beyond comprehension to my husband and to me when we are married. He told me of how he had always been outgoing and confident, but that it was his wife's love that brought him true confidence and continued to feed his confidence. He told me this after I told him about my broken teenage heart because the boy I loved more than anyone and anything loved someone else more than me. I remember being comforted by his words then and I have returned to them many times in my mind. I hope with all sincerity that the love I have for my husband will be so big, so great, so massive, so pure, so true, so good, so infinite, that it will make him love being in love, that it will fill him up, that it will make each day a little piece of heaven. I hope. That is the kind of wife I want to be. 

I recently got to be part of the wedding day of one of my best friends. We've been friends for as long as I can remember and she is the first of my really close girlfriends to get married. I felt so much happiness for her and her new husband that I wondered how I will be able to handle the intensity of my joy when it is my turn. I will never forget how beautiful they were together on that day. I felt blessed to be in their presence, and that I got to hear about many of the steps in their journey to getting married as they were happening. Thinking back on their special day and the parts of it I got to share with them, I wish I could bottle the feeling and the scenes of that day and share them with anyone who was wondering if a temple marriage was worth it, or if it is right. I wish I could impress that vision upon the hearts and minds of all my family members, friends, and all the young people I will ever know in my life, to show them what it is like when two people are clean, truly in love, and sealed for eternity by Priesthood authority. There is nothing more beautiful to me. It made me want that blessing for myself more intensely as I saw the sweet love they shared. I am grateful for the examples of good people around me who help keep me on track to get where I want to be.

Last thought... We went camping for a couple days with some of my family this week. My sister-in-law and I were talking about dating and a couple guys I am interested in and one of my nephews was listening in. He looked up and said loudly "I want another uncle!" I laughed and told him I would love to give him another one and asked what he recommended I do to help that happen. "Ask someone to marry you. Oh wait, the boy is supposed to do that. Well...if I were a w...  nevermind."  Me: "If you were a woman?" Him: "Yeah. If I were a woman, and I was you, I'd just ask someone to marry me."
He's the same nephew who asked a boy I was dating when he was going to marry me at the very first family event he came to...and I am pretty sure we had only been dating for about a week at that point. When my really good sport of a date told him to stay tuned, my nephew asked if he could have a sleepover with him instead. Hahahaha.....Me thinks this kid will not be wasting any time when his turn comes.