I have had the opportunity to learn lately that I am literally nothing. This is possibly the greatest blessing of my life. Since I was little, I've had a perfectionist mentality. I've always expected more of myself than I could probably ever possibly be in my mortal state. In recent years, this mentality has begun to weigh me down and affect the way I viewed my relationship with God. I began to view Him as a condemning judge who told me all of the things I wasn't doing perfectly, rather than applying the atoning blood of Christ in my life and recognizing my need for repentance and forgiveness. In short, I expected myself to not need repentance, rather than to work to retain a remission of my sins by maintaining a "posture of repentance," as Elder Maxwell once said. I have lately been hit so hard by all of my imperfections that I have come to see that I literally am nothing. Try as I might to be all I want to be, I will always fall short. I will always be less than what I would like to be. It is for this, that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and rose again. I have always known He did, and that His Atonement is real, but recently, my afflictions of the soul have caused me to need to begin to seek the depth of that atonement and how it can carry me, cleanse and heal me in my daily life. I am nothing. But that is not a statement of weakness or of despair, or of sadness. It is one of joy. Joy that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He swallows up all my pain and fear. It is joy that I can lean on a perfect Being and be made strong through His grace. It is joy and relief that I don't have to heal or fix all the things I unknowingly break. Perhaps the greatest relief the Atonement has brought me lately has been the gift of moving on, letting go, and forgiving. I didn't understand how holding onto anger, fear, frustration, etc. was cankering my soul. I was honestly unaware of how much I was not letting Him take. The burden literally felt too heavy to bear. I finally reached a point where I wanted nothing more than to be free of it, to be clean. The process has been beautiful and has taught me valuable lessons about not holding on to negativity in my life and relationships. I marvel at the power of the Atonement to make me whole, even when my circumstances don't really change. He really can change our hearts, if we so desire. His mercy has changed the course of my life in the past couple of months. Not to say that it didn't have profound place and impact before, but I never knew Him like I do now. I never knew the power of His grace in the way I do now. I rejoice that I get a lifetime to continue learning about His marvelous healing power, and how He extends mercy. I pray that I'll be able to share this light and peace and love I have learned with those around me.
...To get to the point of this post though, I have to refer to the title I gave it. "Perfectly imperfect" is a phrase that Brother Wayne Brickey used in his book "Making Sense of Suffering" to describe this life. This phrase comforts me. It's not just imperfect. Mortality's imperfections are perfect. Imperfections being perfect....What a thought. I could not agree more with Brother Brickey. I have seen that each day of my life is perfectly designed in its imperfections and weaknesses to offer me the most perfect opportunities possible to practice coming unto my perfect Savior. Our trials are not merely to make our lives hard, they are to offer us opportunities to build faith and to see the hand of God work in our lives. I found myself recently feeling like I was waiting for a time when things would calm down, not be so hard, and all would be "perfect." I have been divinely tutored to understand that God's intention when He allows us to have trials is not "hard," but faith. The point is not to get through trials as quickly as we can, so we can get back to our life...This is our life. This is the journey which will lead us to know Christ. It is a journey to be lived, not feared; to enjoy, not shrink away from; to share, not to withhold, etc. I testify that you and I can have joy now because this existence is not just imperfect, it is perfectly imperfect. How I love my Heavenly Father for His perfect Plan of Salvation and my Savior for making it possible.
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