Happy

I am happy. /grateful. But mostly happy.

I am happy to be alive.

I am happy to have amazing friend and family support all around me. I love every person who is part of my life so much and I am so grateful for all of their amazing examples and their love.

I am happy that one of my best friends got married to her sweetheart today and that I got to see them together. We've had long talks about life and decisions and dating and marriage over the past couple years and I'm so grateful to have been able to see her path unfold up to this point. She's been such a great friend to me and it was truly a joy to see her with her new husband today. I am also happy that one of my other best friends got engaged to his sweetheart this weekend. Man, I'm just happy for everybody who is finding true love! What a blessing and a joy. I am grateful for the way God leads all of our paths to help us be with the right person. :)

I am happy that I get to play the cello EVERY DAY. I love playing the cello.

I am happy that I'm not an accounting major. Yup. I would die.

I am happy that one of my family members who has health challenges is doing a little better lately. I sure love that guy.

I am happy that I live so close to a temple. I don't know what I would do without that place.

I am happy that Zupas exists. I am also happy that there was this one boy who would go to Zupas with me every week on our date night even though he didn't love it. That was nice of him. He will long be remembered for his chivalry in that matter...especially because he thought it was a "girly" restaurant. What a gent. What. a. gent.

I am happy that we have memories so that when life feels a little gloomy we can remember that one time when we got to play the cello for 5 hours with the most amazing choir and conductors ever or that one time when my niece told me that "everyone is getting married...except for you," or the video that my sister-in-law sent me of my nephew playing in the toilet last week or one of the hundreds of millions of times that one of my prayers was answered. And I'm grateful for flowers. I love those things.

I am happy that my body is healthy and whole and that most of the time it can run and jump and move and play.

I am happy that children exist. I am happy that they are so innocent and pure and loving.

I am happy that my face knows how to smile and that my soul knows how to laugh.

I am happy that the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" exists. I looove that song.

I am happy that tomorrow is Sunday. I need one of those days.

I am happy that opportunities to do good and to be kind are endless.

I am happy that sometimes I love people so much that it hurts a lot when they aren't in my life. I'd rather love them and hurt than not ever love enough to hurt. I'm also happy that giving love is something that can always make us better and happier and more whole. Turning outward is so good.

I am happy that God gives us people to help us grow and learn. I love people.

I am happy about life, with all its mountains to climb and its beautiful views, all its roses and all its thorns.

I am happy to be alive.

Grateful

On Wednesday night of this week, I got in my car at 11 pm after a 5 hour orchestra rehearsal for the concert I mentioned in my last post. I was so tired from that wonderfully intense rehearsal that I had to pray I wouldn't fall asleep on the fifteen minute drive home. ....And I tell you what, my eyes didn't even droop, because they were wet with tears of gratitude the entire time. Tears may have squeaked out a few times during our rehearsal too because of how beautiful it was and how grateful I felt to be part of what these amazing conductors are doing. My heart was so full by the end of the night. I cried and prayed in gratitude on my way home, asking Heavenly Father why He is so so so so so so good to me. I think He just knew I needed this in my life right now. It has been a healing balm to my soul the past month and a half. It has lifted and filled and inspired me. It has awakened a spot in my heart that has not been open for a while because I wasn't playing with an orchestra. Light and goodness and euphoria flow through you when you're part of something that good. I feel like Heavenly Father knew that this would be a season of my life when things would be tough and stretching and that some days I would feel like giving up on school, or dating, or...well, on me. So, He gave me this opportunity to make music again.

Also, can I just tell you about the people in this organization? On the night of my audition, I walked into the audition room almost in tears because I had somehow misunderstood the audition requirements. I felt so embarrassed and self-conscious and unconfident. I told those who heard my audition what had happened as I fought back the tears. I expected this to be a negative experience because of that. However, as soon as I looked into the faces of those hearing me, my fears melted away. I felt love. I felt the Spirit. There was so much light in them. They were so kind and so encouraging. They told me not to worry and that they were so excited to hear me play. I went out of there wanting to be a better person just because of the light and love emanating from those three individuals. I felt that even if I didn't get into the orchestra, the audition was worth the experience because of what I felt from those individuals. It was an amazing experience.

I did get in. They invited me to the first rehearsal and to have a second audition afterwards. They were so so so so so kind.  I just feel so grateful. Music has brought me wonderful associations with beautiful people and I feel that this is just the beginning of another of those experiences. I have appreciated what I've learned from all the conductors of this group, but I've been especially impacted by one conductor who has been the main conductor of our chapter. He has inspired me with his goodness, light, love, encouragement, and expectations. I heard someone say once that a choir or an orchestra reflects the way their conductor deals with them. I tell you what, I hope we do!  When playing music, if your conductor loves you, you feel it and you want to play better because of it. Every time I sit down under the direction of his baton, I feel the Spirit. And you know what, it's not just because of the music we're playing. It's because of his vision. It's because of the vision of the whole organization. Especially with our concert being a celebration of Christmas, I feel the Spirit so much. We get to be the bearers for 2 hours or so of the glad tidings of Jesus Christ through music. I am so grateful to Him for all the blessings He gives me. He is full of grace and mercy.

Christmas-y and Love

It is official- my Christmas music craze has begun! I tell you what, I've held off for a long time this year. It usually starts on Halloween. Actually, I usually have a small phase somewhere around July. It doesn't last long. Then at Halloween, it comes full-fledged. Tonight is the first time I've put my spotify station to Christmas and I'm lovin' it! I should probably admit that I started playing Christmas music on the cello around the 10th of October because I am playing in this suuuuper cool orchestra and we are performing an amazing Christmas concert in ..... dun dun dun... Abravanel Hall! I'm so excited! It's been years since I've had the privilege to play there and I just remember how much better everything sounded in that hall. I couldn't believe that what came out of my little youth orchestra could actually sound like that! We always played in such dead spaces that it was just so amazing to hear everything flow together and actually be able to hear everything that was going on in the rest of the orchestra. I'm so excited and grateful to get to play there again. More importantly than the beautiful concert hall, I am grateful for an opportunity to celebrate the joy of Christmas and the birth and life of my Savior through music. Music is such an incredible gift and brings such a special spirit and healing power into my life.  We are playing some beautiful religious pieces.... O Holy Night and some movements from Handel's Messiah being my favorites. Don't judge me, but I think my favorite piece we're playing is "Polar Express Suite"...yes, from the movie the Polar Express. It's crazy hard, but I love it. I've been listening to it over and over again the past couple weeks and just so you can get a little taste for why I love it so much, you should check it out here.  I love it. I love it. I love it!!!! I just feel like it is so magical, especially the  beautiful middle part. Ah, I am just so in love with music!!! Go listen to some good music. Your soul will love you for it! 

For a little inspiration for your day, I remembered these two quotes today that I absolutely love:

"Real love is never wasted. Its value does not lie in reciprocity." 

How beautiful and how true. ...And...Thank goodness! I love knowing that I don't have to be embarrassed to give my love if the other person doesn't respond with love in return. Isn't that wonderful?! :) I love it. 

"Calmness preserves both energy and relationships." 

Amen. That's about all I can say. 

Both of these quotes are from our good brother, Elder Neal A. Maxwell. I love his bits of wisdom. What a great man. His influence and ministry as an Apostle of Jesus Christ continues to bless my life. 

Well, folks, Merry Christmas and to all a good night! :)

Growing

Tonight I pulled out of a drawer a picture of me that was taken a few months ago. I love it. I love it so much. There's a cute man by my side and two months ago I thought I looked the happiest in that picture that I had ever seen myself look. Even a month  ago, I probably thought the same thing and wished I could go back to that time when I felt so complete and so happy.

Tonight, I looked at it and I saw something different. I looked for that same happiness in my face that I have always seen in the picture, but I didn't see it there tonight. Tonight, I only saw how much the girl I am today has grown from the girl I was in the picture. It's not that I don't still want the happiness I had then to come back, but that girl in a way, was empty. She thought she had everything she'd ever wanted...and in a way, she did. But she didn't know that by losing that part of her life, she could grow even more, she could experience an even deeper kind of spirituality and love and beauty and growth and joy and faith. That joy and love hasn't come from a replacement of the cute man in the picture, but from a loving Heavenly Father. His kindness and friendship and confidence and Fatherhood have filled me up. He has been my Teacher and my Comforter and He has been oh so near to me. I would be lying to say that there have not been tears shed, and deeply sad moments, even some moments of darkness, but oh the light He has shown to me! He has taught me so much about myself. He has taught me so much about life. I have learned about the deep need to always and forever be anchored in Christ. Though I do not feel totally secure in everything where I'm at right now, I know that I have grown from the girl I saw tonight in that picture. It used to be my favorite. I don't think it is anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love what it represents and love more who it represents, but the me in it is not where I wanted to stay. For some reason I had to be separated from the goodness that picture represents so that I could receive even more in my life, but I am grateful for it. I am grateful for loss which allows for growth. I am grateful for the cavity it creates inside of us that lets us feel God more abundantly.

Over and over again, the words of and LDS hymn play in my mind. Whenever I feel tempted to turn to any source other than Christ, for anything, I think of these words:

"Be fixed in your purpose for Satan will try you, the weight of your calling he perfectly knows. The path may be thorny but Jesus is nigh you, His arm is sufficient tho demons oppose."

Press on. 

From the Mouths of Babes

Today two of my nieces were at my mom's house playing and I overheard my 6 year old niece tell my mom:

"I wish (insert most recent boyfriend's name) was still in love with Megan..."

I started to laugh and came downstairs to find out what had inspired that comment. Her response was "I just want a new uncle so bad! I wish you were married already!! My mom got married when she was 20."
 Hahaha. ....I love how encouraging my nieces and nephews are when it comes to me getting married. :)