I've Learned Some Stuff...

Guys. I learned something this week about dating. I learned that dating is not all about dating. I probably should have learned that before, but I really really really learned it this week.

I started thinking about that and what that means. I could give a list of examples... I feel like perhaps of all things, dating has given me the opportunity to really learn to listen to my Heavenly Father's voice. Though I don't always understand what I think I hear and feel from Him in regards to dating, I know that He speaks to us and that He wants to direct us and help us. I've also learned to pay attention to my feelings more. I've also learned that you have to be humble enough to listen to your feelings and the feelings Heavenly Father gives you in regards to each situation. You have to love God enough to take His counsel, to let go when He says it's time to let go and to have the faith to go forward when He says you should go forward. 

I've learned that everybody is special and amazing. I used to make judgments very quickly about people I went on dates with or just people that I met and was friends with. I looked for all the reasons I couldn't date them or like them or marry them, etc. But even though I'm obviously only going to marry one person, I've come to value people in a different way by trying to legitimately give them a chance and try to get to know them. I've been invited into the homes of some pretty great families in this process and have met some pretty darn incredible young men. Their future wives and families are going to be so lucky to have their wonderful examples of priesthood service and righteous manhood. I've come to respect these young men so much. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to associate with so many of them who are so wonderful. 

I learned that I want to be the kind of spouse or girlfriend who lets their significant other participate in the things they really enjoy in life and who supports them in it, even if I don't love the same things as much. This feeling came when I'd broken up with someone who had expressed strongly that he disliked a genre of music that is one of my favorite things in all of life. I hadn't realized while we were dating that his saying that had an effect on me, but I remember after we broke up, getting into my car alone one night, and my radio was turned to a classical station. I remember feeling like "ah, I can enjoy classical music again!" I had no idea that I had felt like I couldn't enjoy it while I was dating him, but apparently I had registered some judgment that I loved it and felt like I couldn't enjoy it to the same degree if he hated it and didn't support me in that enjoyment. It was a simple thing, but it taught me a good lesson. I want to be the kind of wife who does those little things to help my husband have joy in the simple things he loves in life. If he likes sports, I want to go to sporting events with him, even though sports aren't my favorite thing in life. I want to do that with him because I love him and because life isn't all about me. If he loves skiing or snowmobiling or boating, I'll try and go with him even though those things make me kind of nauseous. If he likes camping, I'll try and go with him even though I hate the dirt involved with camping. I can already feel that life will be happier if this is my focus. The more you give, the more you have in relationships. It's pretty amazing how that works. 

I've learned that dating is so much about trust. You have to trust that God has a plan for you. You have to believe that even though sometimes you feel broken and lonely and you might be the cause of others broken-ness and loneliness, that God knows how to give sufficient comfort and healing. I've been on both ends. I've done the breaking up and I've been broken up with. Both hurt. Each brings different feelings of struggle and brokenness. But I've learned that we don't have to do it alone. I was in the new phases of a relationship with an adorable human a while back and we were trying to decide if it was the right thing to keep going... "What if we break up? What if I hurt you? What if it doesn't work out? I don't want to hurt you" were thoughts we talked through for weeks. One night, after one of these talks where he expressed this fear that he would break my heart, I had to seriously think about the possibility. At that point, I doubted that would happen - he was everything I'd ever wanted and I felt that our relationship held so much potential. As I thought that night "What if it doesn't work out? What if his fears come true?" Immediately, the Spirit taught me that I would be ok because the first relationship in my life is and always should be with my Savior and that if He is my anchor that I'll be ok no matter what happens. A few months later, that relationship ended, catching me by surprise. As I walked into my bedroom the night we broke up with tear-streaked cheeks and a feeling of grief and shock in my heart, the Spirit whispered to me so clearly, "Your future is bright!!" I thought of that as I recently had to tell another adorable human that I couldn't have the relationship with him that he wanted. I was comforted in having to be the bearer of that news to him to know that Heavenly Father is so mindful of him too and that his future is so bright too.

Lately I've come more fully to the understanding that Heavenly Father wants to give us the best things He possibly can. Sometimes a door has to close so that He can do that for us but He is always there to lead us upward and forward. He's always there to show us the way to the next open window, which holds something even better for us than the last thing. He is leading us on an eternal path of progression and growth. It is an upward climb of goodness. Keep going. Those are the words I feel every time I get frustrated with dating: "Just keep going."

On a little lighter note, can I just share a few nuggets of my life with you?
-Today I got to see cute people. Like they are 2 and 4 years old and we call them niece and nephew and they are the cutest. And 2 year old little boy ate cake and ice cream on my lap and we laughed and laughed about how funny it is to try and take huge bites of ice cream and then laughed even more when the huge bite of ice cream fell off his fork and then it only took me 3 minutes of him asking for more ice cream to figure out what he was saying...He wanted more so that he could do it again and so we could laugh again. Laugh we did, and I kissed his little cheeks a lot a lot a lot. That is happiness right there.

-Have you ever had a massage? If you haven't, please treat yourself to one. You will never view life the same. Oh, and if you haven't had it done before, ask the massage therapist to work your psoas muscle. Wowee... a little painful and slightly invasive to have someone dig into your gut, but really.... I wish I could have someone work that thing out for me every day. Is that tmi? It might be...ok, sorry, moving on.

-Institute is the best. I get to teach institute right now in my young single adult stake and I am so lucky.  My co-teacher and I are teaching the life of Jesus Christ from the 4 Gospels in the New Testament and I have been so weepy and my heart so tender these last many days as I've been studying the life of my Savior. I'm so touched by everything He did on this earth and by the infiniteness of His Atonement and the experiences of all of the people involved in His coming to earth. Joseph, Mary, Zacharias, Elizabeth, John, the Wisemen and Shepherds.

-Sometimes you get these little packets of mercy in a day to direct you in the path that you should go. Like you see a friend who tells you about a class that interests you as far as a career path. Or you talk to someone who tells you it's ok to just be you. Did you know that? You're pretty awesome. It's ok to be you...weaknesses and all. I forget that sometimes. But if we're talking about weaknesses, let me share a few because I try to hide them a lot.... I'm really bad at keeping my room clean. Don't know what that's about. I also really like sleeping in. But I'm trying to conquer that one because I also really love mornings and am a much more focused person in the morning than any other time of the day. I am late a lot. Most people know this. It's bad. I'm working on that one too. Sometimes I avoid uncomfortable situations when I should just deal with them head-on. I'm also suuuuuper selfish. Holy cow. Like really. I am soooo selfish. It's really been bugging me lately because I am pretty sure I only think of myself in life and that is just lame. Also, sometimes I have a really hard time to just 'let go.' This is problematic sometimes. I'm sorry if you've ever been the victim of this weakness of mine.

-I believe in love. I told my mom the other day that I didn't believe in "the one" anymore. She laughed and said "Well, I can see why you might say that, but obviously you DO believe in finding one person or you'd be dating so and so..." That's true, mom. If I wasn't worried about finding the right person, I'd probably be dating someone who wasn't the right person. So I'm grateful for the discerning power God gives as we date. I believe in forgiveness in love. Sometimes we're dumb. Sometimes we say unkind things or are thoughtless. I believe in keeping life simple (yes, I know I just admitted that I've yet to master letting go) and in trying to keep relationships and emotions simple. This is hard for me cuz I'm super sensitive, but I'm trying. I really want to be a more peaceful, calm person. I hope to find someone who has that kind of temperament...even, calm, solid. Mm. Love him just thinkin' about it. haha. If he's not like that, well I'm sure he'll still be great, but I'm praying for a really calm one because I just need someone to balance me out and help me stay calm. :)

Ok, I think that's enough of a ramble now. Sorry about that. If you made it to here, here is a message of goodness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw&list=PLB0FB73F2FE29CF15

Christ was born FOR YOU

Hello! I wanted to share a few Christmas thoughts now that I am done with finals and have a moment to breathe again.

There is a song that has been playing over and over and over in my mind since November 20th. I have heard it many times in my life but had never really listened. You know how we do, we hear something but we don't really hear. Well such was me with this song until I was at an orchestra rehearsal late one night in November and the choir had to repeat the last line of the song a few times.... "Christ the babe is born for you." My ears perked up. I had never known that the song "Infant Holy, Infant Lowly" had those words in it. Immediately I wanted to listen to it over and over .... And I did. I have listened to it over and over again in the car and at home. I love it. The second verse is my favorite: "Flocks were sleeping, shepherds keeping vigil til the morning new. Saw the glory, heard the story, tidings of our gospel true. Thus rejoicing, free from sorrow, praises voicing greet the morrow, 'Christ the babe is born for you!'

The line "free from sorrow" in this verse was the high point for me of the concert I got to play in a few weeks ago. As the choir sang that line, I felt the power of those words. Jesus Christ gives us freedom from sorrow. He gives us freedom from sorrow and from all other chains and burdens.

So, at this Christmas time, I want to share with you my testimony that Jesus Christ lives and that "Christ the babe was born for you." He was born for YOU and for your individual sins, pains, struggles, sorrows, burdens...You name it and He felt it for you. He felt YOUR sin. YOUR pain. YOUR sorrow. And He atoned for it. "At-oned"...meaning He made it all right. He set it all equal again. He set you at one with Him again. As far as He descended, He can raise you up. I love Him and I praise Him. I invite you to come closer to Him at this beautiful time of year. He loves you so much.

Merry Christmas to you!!

Loved

Every now and then, you have those days when your mind and your body and just about every other faculty you can imagine tells you that you're not doing that great with life right now. So you get up and start your day, thinking "Man, I hope I can make it through this day…and man, I hope these feelings pass reeeeaaalll fast."

But as the feelings continue and you get to your morning scripture study and the first verse you read is  Isaiah 14:3 - "The Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear," you know that He knows exactly what you're going through and that He wants peace and happiness for you. He lets you know that you won't feel this way forever. This is a hard day for some reason, but He will help you through this day just as He has helped you through every other hard day of your life. He lets you know there is a place and time when you will be free of those sad and fearful feelings that creep up every now and then and that He'll help you get there. And He does that just because He loves you. Because He loves you so much that He wants you to know that you're not alone and that He gets it…He gets how you're feeling. He knows and He wanted to let you know that He knows.  

You go through the day and try to do good things but you just can't get out of the slump. And then you go to your cousin's house for family night and see him and his wife and their two little boys. Their little boys crawl all over you and talk to you and want to be by you the whole night and you're reminded what it is that you're trying to get to…what you really want in life. It's this. It's this sweet little family life. Husband. Wife. Father. Mother. Children. For a few minutes you feel whole inside. You know what is real and what is not. You get to see that this little life makes you feel better and not more stressed, which is an answer to prayers, as you have been worried that it will make this problem of feeling this way worse. You see that this is where you feel most comfortable, most happy, most whole, most at home, most YOU: Giving love to and laughing with children, all in a little home that is just trying to teach little people what is true and trying to love each other and be the best people you can be. Yes, God gives you this gift of showing you that you're a mother at heart to help you know that all is well and that you will be ok. Because He loves you. He loves you so much He just wants to let you know that He gets you. He gets that you get scared sometimes and that it's hard sometimes and that you hurt sometimes…. but He also gets that there is a future of things even better than you can comprehend and He's preparing them for you. 

At the end of the day, you just know that He loves you so much. Even though it's so hard sometimes, you're grateful for the dark which helps the light be more visible because He loves you. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you!!! 

Choices

I watched this video this morning and I love it. I love this story and have had the opportunity to previously hear it and read it several times. As I heard it again today while watching this video, I thought about the relief and peace that comes into our lives when we make the right decisions - in short, the peace we have when we are clean. It is such a blessed thing to be clean before the Lord. I hope that you will feel the same as you watch this. If you feel any feelings of discomfort, that is the spirit telling you that you can be better. Perhaps there is something in your life that ought not to be. There is repentance. There is always a way to be clean again. Jesus Christ is the way.

Happy

I am happy. /grateful. But mostly happy.

I am happy to be alive.

I am happy to have amazing friend and family support all around me. I love every person who is part of my life so much and I am so grateful for all of their amazing examples and their love.

I am happy that one of my best friends got married to her sweetheart today and that I got to see them together. We've had long talks about life and decisions and dating and marriage over the past couple years and I'm so grateful to have been able to see her path unfold up to this point. She's been such a great friend to me and it was truly a joy to see her with her new husband today. I am also happy that one of my other best friends got engaged to his sweetheart this weekend. Man, I'm just happy for everybody who is finding true love! What a blessing and a joy. I am grateful for the way God leads all of our paths to help us be with the right person. :)

I am happy that I get to play the cello EVERY DAY. I love playing the cello.

I am happy that I'm not an accounting major. Yup. I would die.

I am happy that one of my family members who has health challenges is doing a little better lately. I sure love that guy.

I am happy that I live so close to a temple. I don't know what I would do without that place.

I am happy that Zupas exists. I am also happy that there was this one boy who would go to Zupas with me every week on our date night even though he didn't love it. That was nice of him. He will long be remembered for his chivalry in that matter...especially because he thought it was a "girly" restaurant. What a gent. What. a. gent.

I am happy that we have memories so that when life feels a little gloomy we can remember that one time when we got to play the cello for 5 hours with the most amazing choir and conductors ever or that one time when my niece told me that "everyone is getting married...except for you," or the video that my sister-in-law sent me of my nephew playing in the toilet last week or one of the hundreds of millions of times that one of my prayers was answered. And I'm grateful for flowers. I love those things.

I am happy that my body is healthy and whole and that most of the time it can run and jump and move and play.

I am happy that children exist. I am happy that they are so innocent and pure and loving.

I am happy that my face knows how to smile and that my soul knows how to laugh.

I am happy that the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" exists. I looove that song.

I am happy that tomorrow is Sunday. I need one of those days.

I am happy that opportunities to do good and to be kind are endless.

I am happy that sometimes I love people so much that it hurts a lot when they aren't in my life. I'd rather love them and hurt than not ever love enough to hurt. I'm also happy that giving love is something that can always make us better and happier and more whole. Turning outward is so good.

I am happy that God gives us people to help us grow and learn. I love people.

I am happy about life, with all its mountains to climb and its beautiful views, all its roses and all its thorns.

I am happy to be alive.

Grateful

On Wednesday night of this week, I got in my car at 11 pm after a 5 hour orchestra rehearsal for the concert I mentioned in my last post. I was so tired from that wonderfully intense rehearsal that I had to pray I wouldn't fall asleep on the fifteen minute drive home. ....And I tell you what, my eyes didn't even droop, because they were wet with tears of gratitude the entire time. Tears may have squeaked out a few times during our rehearsal too because of how beautiful it was and how grateful I felt to be part of what these amazing conductors are doing. My heart was so full by the end of the night. I cried and prayed in gratitude on my way home, asking Heavenly Father why He is so so so so so so good to me. I think He just knew I needed this in my life right now. It has been a healing balm to my soul the past month and a half. It has lifted and filled and inspired me. It has awakened a spot in my heart that has not been open for a while because I wasn't playing with an orchestra. Light and goodness and euphoria flow through you when you're part of something that good. I feel like Heavenly Father knew that this would be a season of my life when things would be tough and stretching and that some days I would feel like giving up on school, or dating, or...well, on me. So, He gave me this opportunity to make music again.

Also, can I just tell you about the people in this organization? On the night of my audition, I walked into the audition room almost in tears because I had somehow misunderstood the audition requirements. I felt so embarrassed and self-conscious and unconfident. I told those who heard my audition what had happened as I fought back the tears. I expected this to be a negative experience because of that. However, as soon as I looked into the faces of those hearing me, my fears melted away. I felt love. I felt the Spirit. There was so much light in them. They were so kind and so encouraging. They told me not to worry and that they were so excited to hear me play. I went out of there wanting to be a better person just because of the light and love emanating from those three individuals. I felt that even if I didn't get into the orchestra, the audition was worth the experience because of what I felt from those individuals. It was an amazing experience.

I did get in. They invited me to the first rehearsal and to have a second audition afterwards. They were so so so so so kind.  I just feel so grateful. Music has brought me wonderful associations with beautiful people and I feel that this is just the beginning of another of those experiences. I have appreciated what I've learned from all the conductors of this group, but I've been especially impacted by one conductor who has been the main conductor of our chapter. He has inspired me with his goodness, light, love, encouragement, and expectations. I heard someone say once that a choir or an orchestra reflects the way their conductor deals with them. I tell you what, I hope we do!  When playing music, if your conductor loves you, you feel it and you want to play better because of it. Every time I sit down under the direction of his baton, I feel the Spirit. And you know what, it's not just because of the music we're playing. It's because of his vision. It's because of the vision of the whole organization. Especially with our concert being a celebration of Christmas, I feel the Spirit so much. We get to be the bearers for 2 hours or so of the glad tidings of Jesus Christ through music. I am so grateful to Him for all the blessings He gives me. He is full of grace and mercy.