Perfectly Imperfect

You know how sometimes life feels like the learning curve you are on couldn't be steeper? I thought that three years ago when I was the sickest I had ever been in my life for the longest period of time I have ever experienced. Lately though, I have been on a different learning curve that I think may be even harder.

I have had the opportunity to learn lately that I am literally nothing. This is possibly the greatest blessing of my life. Since I was little, I've had a perfectionist mentality. I've always expected more of myself than I could probably ever possibly be in my mortal state. In recent years, this mentality has begun to weigh me down and affect the way I viewed my relationship with God. I began to view Him as a condemning judge who told me all of the things I wasn't doing perfectly, rather than applying the atoning blood of Christ in my life and recognizing my need for repentance and forgiveness. In short, I expected myself to not need repentance, rather than to work to retain a remission of my sins by maintaining a "posture of repentance," as Elder Maxwell once said. I have lately been hit so hard by all of my imperfections that I have come to see that I literally am nothing. Try as I might to be all I want to be, I will always fall short. I will always be less than what I would like to be. It is for this, that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and rose again. I have always known He did, and that His Atonement is real, but recently, my afflictions of the soul have caused me to need to begin to seek the depth of that atonement and how it can carry me, cleanse and heal me in my daily life.  I am nothing. But that is not a statement of weakness or of despair, or of sadness. It is one of joy. Joy that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He swallows up all my pain and fear. It is joy that I can lean on a perfect Being and be made strong through His grace. It is joy and relief that I don't have to heal or fix all the things I unknowingly break. Perhaps the greatest relief the Atonement has brought me lately has been the gift of moving on, letting go, and forgiving. I didn't understand how holding onto anger, fear, frustration, etc. was cankering my soul. I was honestly unaware of how much I was not letting Him take. The burden literally felt too heavy to bear. I finally reached a point where I wanted nothing more than to be free of it, to be clean. The process has been beautiful and has taught me valuable lessons about not holding on to negativity in my life and relationships. I marvel at the power of the Atonement to make me whole, even when my circumstances don't really change. He really can change our hearts, if we so desire. His mercy has changed the course of my life in the past couple of months. Not to say that it didn't have profound place and impact before, but I never knew Him like I  do now. I never knew the power of His grace in the way I do now. I rejoice that I get a lifetime to continue learning about His marvelous healing power, and how He extends mercy. I pray that I'll be able to share this light and peace and love I have learned with those around me. 

...To get to the point of this post though, I have to refer to the title I gave it. "Perfectly imperfect" is a phrase that Brother Wayne Brickey used in his book "Making Sense of Suffering" to describe this life. This phrase comforts me. It's not just imperfect. Mortality's imperfections are perfect. Imperfections being perfect....What a thought. I could not agree more with Brother Brickey. I have seen that each day of my life is perfectly designed in its imperfections and weaknesses to offer me the most perfect opportunities possible to practice coming unto my perfect Savior. Our trials are not merely to make our lives hard, they are to offer us opportunities to build faith and to see the hand of God work in our lives. I found myself recently feeling like I was waiting for a time when things would calm down, not be so hard, and all would be "perfect." I have been divinely tutored to understand that God's intention when He allows us to have trials is not "hard," but faith. The point is not to get through trials as quickly as we can, so we can get back to our life...This is our life. This is the journey which will lead us to know Christ. It is a journey to be lived, not feared; to enjoy, not shrink away from; to share, not to withhold, etc. I testify that you and I can have joy now because this existence is not just imperfect, it is perfectly imperfect. How I love my Heavenly Father for His perfect Plan of Salvation and my Savior for making it possible. 

Faith, not Optimism

So, I first have to express my slight embarrassment over my last post. This embarrassment first came when I checked something on my Google+ account one day, and saw the link to my blog post. The blaring words in the link were "I am obsessed with getting married." Oh my goodness....Who writes that and publishes it on the Internet for all to see?! The second part of my embarrassment came when I was talking with a friend of mine (who just so happens to have also been a previous boyfriend) and he mentioned seeing my post. He laughed. I turned red inside. Then I laughed. Then I promised myself to be a little more discretionary in what I share on this blog. I didn't think people actually read it. Ha.

I feel somewhat 'tempest tossed' lately. Well, to be honest, that feeling has been going on for quite some time. Chronic illness (though I know my pain is much less than many of my dear friends) has taken its toll emotionally as well as physically. I constantly feel emotionally drained. Sometimes there are multiple times in a day when I just have to 'escape' from it and I will sleep or watch a movie. Sometimes those moments make me feel like I am giving up and sometimes I literally do for a few minutes at a time, until I can regroup and gain the courage to face a few more hours. I am making this sound a lot worse than it is. It isn't as depressing as it sounds but it is difficult. However, it is the difficulty of it that allows for the most beautiful spiritual learning that I have ever experienced in my life. 

I have the most amazing opportunity to learn to use the Atonement in my life right now, though I am not always able to see it as such. That comes from being human. Sometimes I struggle on my own, thinking that I can make it and I can fix what is broken within me but that approach only leads me to great discouragement. Last weekend, I felt pretty down. The physical ailments my body has gone through in the past several months have been deeper, harder and more painful than anything I've experienced thus far in my life. They have been challenging in ways nothing else has. My empathy for those who deal with chronic pain, depression and other things is so much bigger. My heart goes out to you if you are one such person. Last weekend... I was so down. A lot of my discouragement was coming from the fact that I just couldn't make myself feel 100 % optimistic about life 24/7. I thus labeled myself as a pessimistic person because I just couldn't always feel happy about constant pain and nausea. I felt like I was sinning because I wasn't constantly optimistic. Then, after a long talk with my amazing mom, the Lord gave me the best thought ever. It was this: "What if there isn't really such a thing as being optimistic or pessimistic? What if those words, terms, emotions, whatever, are relative? Change your thoughts of whether or not you are optimistic to whether or not you have faith in Jesus Christ. My expectation of you is not that you feel happy all the time, it is just that you have faith in Jesus Christ. If your attitude is one of faith, all you need for happiness and optimism will come to you." This relieved me of labeling myself as something I didn't want to be and opened up a whole new world of becoming. Be happy all the time even when I am hurting? Maybe I can't do that, but believe in Jesus Christ? I can do that! President Monson's words, "THE FUTURE IS AS BRIGHT AS YOUR FAITH" came to life. I understand them in a way I never have before. 

Heavenly Father is helping me to learn about me and He is helping me to learn about Jesus. He is helping me to learn about me and Jesus and what it means that I have a Savior who suffered and atoned for me. What more glorious truth can we have? We have the blessing of an eternal perspective as we face the challenges and sorrows of this life. We know that we do not have to stay in this place forever, but that after our brief time of testing and growth in a mortal body in a mortal world, we have blessings untold which await us for our faithful endurance. God is good. His love is everywhere. He wants us to have peace and joy. He provides the opportunity for that peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

My last thought is about the power of prayer. I have prayed all my life and have seen blessings come and things work out for me that seemed impossible. However, through this illness, I have learned more about prayer than I could have ever imagined. One of the things I love about prayer is how Heavenly Father listens. He lets me pour out my soul to Him and tell Him all about everything that I am grateful about and everything that is challenging for me. He doesn't try to stop me (though sometimes if my heart is stubborn, He reminds me of truth before I say things I don't really mean. He is so perfect!). Then, when I am done and have shared the burdens of my soul with Him, He allows His Spirit to enter my heart and give me whatever it is that I most need to keep going with hope. He encourages, enlightens, inspires and assists me. He helps me know that there is power in the Atonement of his Son. How grateful I am to know of my loving Father in Heaven who is only a prayer away. He is there for you, too. :)  

Chin up.   

    

Obsessed...

I am obsessed with getting married. Because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and my understanding of my divine nature, marriage and motherhood are my greatest desires in this life. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was not obsessed with having a husband and family. I think back to my childhood and remember how strong those feelings were. My make-believe games were always to do with my husband and children. I had names for all of them, and would walk them up and down the hall by my bedroom pretending I was soothing a fussy baby at church. Haha...Clearly this has been occupying the brain for quite a while.

Marriage is much more appealing to me because I know it can be forever. I do not think I would want it if I thought it was going to end. This song (http://www.jaredosmond.com/the-story-behind-the-music-of-jared-osmond/innocent-ones-2/this-is-heaven/) expresses my feelings somewhat. My favorite line is "And so this is the plan of God, to never have to let go." The thought of never having to let go, never having to really say goodbye fills me with the greatest sweetest happiness. I feel so blessed to be among the minority in the world who know that their marriage and their family can last forever. Marriage has always been something that I have wanted to give everything to. I have seen and felt portions of the great love I know I will possess for the person I marry, but I feel that the love I have felt for others has truly been only a portion. When I think about what a marriage is, I am overwhelmed by what I imagine that love must feel like. To be willing to share all that you do in a marriage, I know that it will be a love far beyond anything I have yet experienced in my life and I so look forward to feeling that love for someone. A previous CES Instructor of mine and good friend of our family told me on several occasions that he could sense from me how much I would love my husband one day. He assured me that though that intense love I often have for people made life difficult at age 17, that great love would be a blessing beyond comprehension to my husband and to me when we are married. He told me of how he had always been outgoing and confident, but that it was his wife's love that brought him true confidence and continued to feed his confidence. He told me this after I told him about my broken teenage heart because the boy I loved more than anyone and anything loved someone else more than me. I remember being comforted by his words then and I have returned to them many times in my mind. I hope with all sincerity that the love I have for my husband will be so big, so great, so massive, so pure, so true, so good, so infinite, that it will make him love being in love, that it will fill him up, that it will make each day a little piece of heaven. I hope. That is the kind of wife I want to be. 

I recently got to be part of the wedding day of one of my best friends. We've been friends for as long as I can remember and she is the first of my really close girlfriends to get married. I felt so much happiness for her and her new husband that I wondered how I will be able to handle the intensity of my joy when it is my turn. I will never forget how beautiful they were together on that day. I felt blessed to be in their presence, and that I got to hear about many of the steps in their journey to getting married as they were happening. Thinking back on their special day and the parts of it I got to share with them, I wish I could bottle the feeling and the scenes of that day and share them with anyone who was wondering if a temple marriage was worth it, or if it is right. I wish I could impress that vision upon the hearts and minds of all my family members, friends, and all the young people I will ever know in my life, to show them what it is like when two people are clean, truly in love, and sealed for eternity by Priesthood authority. There is nothing more beautiful to me. It made me want that blessing for myself more intensely as I saw the sweet love they shared. I am grateful for the examples of good people around me who help keep me on track to get where I want to be.

Last thought... We went camping for a couple days with some of my family this week. My sister-in-law and I were talking about dating and a couple guys I am interested in and one of my nephews was listening in. He looked up and said loudly "I want another uncle!" I laughed and told him I would love to give him another one and asked what he recommended I do to help that happen. "Ask someone to marry you. Oh wait, the boy is supposed to do that. Well...if I were a w...  nevermind."  Me: "If you were a woman?" Him: "Yeah. If I were a woman, and I was you, I'd just ask someone to marry me."
He's the same nephew who asked a boy I was dating when he was going to marry me at the very first family event he came to...and I am pretty sure we had only been dating for about a week at that point. When my really good sport of a date told him to stay tuned, my nephew asked if he could have a sleepover with him instead. Hahahaha.....Me thinks this kid will not be wasting any time when his turn comes.  

Life is Good.

Life is good. There have been some days lately that I did not feel like I could honestly say that. But my heart has been opened to see my blessings again and to love life and the challenge it is. I write a few thoughts tonight that have lifted me in recent days and weeks. I also list a few other random thoughts and some of the things that have made life feel good this week.

-I felt overwhelmed one day by how hard life was. I wondered if my whole life will be as difficult as these past few years have been or more difficult. The thought made me shake in my shoes. Then the Spirit reminded me that God wants us to be celestial people and that is why this life gets to be so hard. The higher the heat, the more refined we can become. The Spirit helped me remember that I want to be Celestial material, and thus, why would I desire that life be easier? If I want it easier, then my reward will be less. This reminder made me less worried about having life be hard and instead made me rejoice in the difficulty, because for just a moment, I understood the purpose of it.

-Jesus Christ always has enough. He always has enough time, energy, love, peace, hope, mercy, compassion, etc. He has enough to give to me. He has enough to fill me up and make me enough. When I feel like I am not enough or don't have enough within me to bear the burdens of this life, He lifts me up with His great power, goodness, light, hope, and love.

-Goodness is attractive. I have always known this, but today it hit me in a deeper way. As I get to know different young men, and spend time around them, there is one thing that makes me love them or not love them more than anything else. It is their goodness (or lack thereof). Sometimes I get caught up in hoping that the person I marry or date looks a certain way or dresses a certain way or likes certain things etc. I worry about how we will get along and what he will be like and if my family will like him. Today it hit me that ultimately, there is only one thing that really matters to me. Goodness. I decided that if he is good to the standard I have, and I have the go-ahead from the Spirit, nothing else matters. Good looks might be a little plus, but I realized with gratitude how what I look for has changed over the years. Looks don't mean what they did when I was 14. Haha. Goodness, optimism, virtue and the light of the Spirit are what matter beyond all else. I pray that I can find someone who so enraptures me with their goodness that I feel no need to be concerned about anyone else.

-I have the cutest family ever. The little people who we have been blessed to have in our family are so delightful. I am blessed to be an aunt of some of the sweetest, cutest, funniest, smartest, kindest children. I love my family.

-The Atonement covers all things. As I focus on my relationship with Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, other relationships don't seem as difficult. When my eye is single to Them, nothing makes me afraid. I know all is well. ALL IS WELL.

Tears of Gratitude

I was given a beautiful gift tonight. I have shed many tears of pain and discouragement today. Sickness, pain, and discomfort in one way or another have been almost non-stop for the past couple of months, and especially the past several weeks. Preceding and following an upper GI endoscopy to stretch my incredibly painful, swollen, and restricted esophagus which had limited my eating for a good week (and felt like it was limiting my breathing), a nasty virus struck, complete with body aches, itchy and matter-y eyes, massive nausea, and fever. Family members who had a similar thing claimed it may have come back with my brother from a hunting trip in Argentina. This lasted a full week or so and also limited my eating. Only a day or two after that seemed to finally be clearing up, stomach pain began. I recently eliminated about half of the foods that were part of my diet due to food allergies. I'd had a lot of stomach pain, cramps, and acid reflux before removing these foods. After I removed them, the stomach and intestinal pains that I couldn't figure out were almost all gone. It was wonderful! So, this new pain was unnerving. It was intense and unlike anything I've experienced in the past few years that my body has been so sick during. It began the beginning of last week. Maybe I developed some new allergy? Who knows...All I know is that this has continued since then....almost two weeks. It seems to have been getting increasingly worse. At first I only noticed it after I would eat in the morning. It was pretty mild, but Saturday night, it began to hurt as I was going to bed. It was bad. Thankfully, some essential oils cleared it up quickly and I fell asleep. It returned after I ate Sunday morning and Sunday night as I went to bed it hit again. I was wide awake, writhing on the bathroom floor for a good hour or more. It had never been that bad. I tried eating different things the next few days, and not taking some vitamins that I thought might be hurting it, but to no avail. The pain still came after almost every meal. After I ate breakfast this morning, the pain began. I laid down and waited for it to pass as it has other days, but it didn't. The normal hour or so that is has been lasting turned into 2, 3, 4. I was exhausted by the time it finally let up a little bit, but didn't leave. The pain of all day has seemed like almost more than I could bear. I haven't wanted to bear it.
However, there have been bright spots throughout the day. The biggest came tonight as my mom read a few passages out of Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven Is Here. We have both recently read it and the book itself is incredibly beautiful and inspiring. I highly recommend it. However, the tender mercy came as I heard my mom read. Her sweet voice telling a story took me back to childhood. We used to lay on her bed and she would read stories to me, often eating apple slices or carrot sticks. Haha. I LOVE this memory. I remember those carrot sticks and apple slices tasting better when they were eaten on her bed at story time than anywhere else. How I love the way she would read aloud, her voice so soft, sweet, nurturing and filled with love. I can't describe how her voice would fill me with love as she read those sweet stories to me. I somehow knew that all the love in her voice was love for me. The way she read those books to me let me know that she loved being my mother. I cherish her. She is my best friend. Tonight, the sound of her voice comforted me. For just a moment, it made everything ok as it used to. Knowing she was right there and that she has been close to me all day, and all of so many days that I have spent on the bathroom floor made me feel safe. I know I cannot begin to imagine all her sacrifices, tears, prayers, and hours spent on my behalf. But the fact that I can't is what makes me love her so much. That kind of love is so powerful. The love and influence of a faithful mother is incalculable. My eyes filled with tears as I listened to her read tonight. Tears of gratitude. Gratitude for this faithful woman who has consistently taught, tutored and stayed close to me. Gratitude for all her love, even when I am most unlovable. Gratitude for her constant presence in my life. Gratitude that her love has had the power to dispel fear, doubt, discouragement, and pain throughout my life. How grateful I am for such a mother.
As I lay on the couch, another thought came that made me feel safe. It was the hope of the future. The thought was that one day I will be laying on a couch and I will be well. I will be laying there to relax at the end of the day, and my body will no longer struggle as it does now. The person walking around the room won't be my mother but my husband. If I am laying there in sickness, perhaps it will be because another person is soon to join our family - another hopeful thought because being at that point would mean that healing had come to my body. I think often of this future and it gives me hope. It is a beacon of light in a circumstance that makes marriage and motherhood feel overwhelming, even impossible at times. Though I long for these blessings, I have recently come to appreciate the fact that they have not come to me yet as a total act of mercy from my Heavenly Father. Every time I am laying on the bathroom floor, I feel thankful that I don't have a husband in the next room and I feel the hope for recovery that will allow me to be closer to the kind of wife I want to be. I know this probably sounds funny and you may be thinking I am too young to get married anyway. All I can say, is that there has not been a day in all of my life that I have not longed for, thought about and wanted to get married and be a mom. It has always been the foremost thought and desire of the foremost importance in my mind and heart. So, as I think of the divine promises I have received over the recent years and months of recovery, I look forward. I look forward to the thing I want to be well for. I feel that I have lesser patience with my ill body than I ever have before because there is something that I soooo want to be well for. In the meantime, I am grateful that I am going through these physical trials without the responsibility of a family, though I feel assured that if I had those responsibilities right now, God would make me equal to the task. I am grateful for the hope of recovery. I am grateful for the hope and promises of a future husband and family. I am grateful to know that God sees all and hears all my prayers. I am grateful for every good day I have, for every meal I can eat. I am grateful that I have been able to hold to my faith through it all. And I am grateful that in moments of pain, I can have profound spiritual realizations and feelings of gratitude because of the hope that comes through the  Gospel of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice.

Build and Rebuild

Yesterday I went to the doctor. This was my first doctor visit in over a year. YAY!! That is a happy record for me and one I feel truly and deeply grateful for. The reason I was there was less than desirable, as most causes for doctor visits are. The reason and what the doctor told me caused me to reflect on a life concept that seems to be abundantly on my mind lately: REBUILDING.

Somewhere during my high school years I developed an ambition to become a runner. In the first couple years of my desire, I had something wrong with my stomach that made me literally so worn out all of the time that I rarely had any energy to try to run. As that healed a bit, I was finally able to start to try to run the summer before my senior year. It was slow going. I couldn't do much. After run/walking for only a couple of months I became even more ill, and running took the back burner in the extreme sense of the word, as most days I couldn't move far from my bed. During this time, I dreamed about running almost every night. When I began to recover enough from months of that illness to exercise again, I slowly built back up to run/walking. I desired more than ever to progress. It still didn't come. Run/walking was all I could do. Long story short, a few weeks ago, I finally reached a distance goal that I have wanted to reach since I started running. It was a true triumph for me, though still not an incredibly long distance. (I'm tellin' ya, this running stuff has been a fight for me.) However, it gave me confidence that I might be able to reach my lofty running goals one day. Last Tuesday, I ran my farthest yet. I was thrilled. When I got home, I started stretching, and during my stretches my left knee popped painfully several times. By the next night, I was in a lot of pain. Not knowing what was wrong with my knee, I saw my running dreams and progress flash before my eyes. I felt pure panic at first, sure that I'd never be able to run again. As the pain increased over several days, I decided to see our family doctor, who is also a runner. I was hoping he'd tell me I have a mild case of runner's knee and to wrap it, ice it, rest it, give me some strengthening exercises, etc. He examined my knee and said he thought I had torn cartilage under my knee cap. "For now, do nothing. If it doesn't get better on its own, the next best option is to scope it. Don't do anything that irritates it for a week. After that, if it's feeling better, you can start to walk. After a week of walking, then you can start to run/walk a little. If it's sore when you start running again, that is normal, but if it comes right back when you start to run, come back in and we should probably take care of it surgically." Now, with the way it's going, I think my knee will heal on its own, at least enough to start walking again in a week or two. However, this diagnosis was a little different than I expected. Though a little bummed, I left the office feeling quite calm. The concept of rebuilding came into mind- a concept heavily employed in my mind lately. I have come to see that much of life follows this pattern... We work hard to build something good, something important to us. In a moment, it is gone. All of the sudden, we are back to where we were before. We have to rebuild. However, this time, though we may have lost the physical evidence of what we spent so long building, we have the character, and spiritual and emotional strength we have gained from the building process. The space of time immediately after the wrecking crane strikes gives us an opportunity to choose if we have the courage to rebuild, and how we will rebuild. Will we be bitter that we have to rebuild? Will we be grateful that we have the chance to rebuild? Will we use what we learned from the first building experience to rebuild with stronger fortifications.

In recent months, I have often felt frustrated by this life process. Only in recent weeks, have I come to some peace with it. I feel that this is why I left that doctor's office with calmness. So what if I have to rebuild back to where I was when I start running again? So what if my knee doesn't heal and I have to have surgery and it takes longer for me to be able to rebuild my running skills? This rebuilding is life. It is the process that makes me better. It is how I come to grow and find strength within myself. Needing to rebuild stretches me in ways that building alone cannot. I don't feel the need to hurry through the process anymore. I will take all of it. I will take the building in its season, the wrecking crane in its season, and the rebuilding in its season. And I will rebuild.

Sometimes I get afraid of building. I get afraid of building because if I build, there is something to be hit by the wrecking crane. If I never built, I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't feel disappointment. I wouldn't have cause to wonder why the beautiful thing I built couldn't last. But if I never built, I would never feel joy. I know I haven't lived incredibly long, but I have had enough experiences to know that the wrecking crane brings pain. Many times that pain has been deep enough to make me never want to build again. Here, I turn inward and evaluate who I really am. I turn to the Lord. I turn to Him to help me find the courage I don't have, but that I need to keep going. And as I put my hand in His and start to rebuild, He provides. Sometimes I have to go quite a ways before I really feel the courage kick in, but He does give it.

I have seen this happen recently in my life. The end of a strongly and truly beautifully built relationship several months ago left me feeling afraid to ever build again. I withdrew, knowing that if I gave anything out, and built anything with anyone, I might have to go through that pain again. The thought was more than I could bear. The pain of this situation was so intense that I dreaded social situations- something incredibly unlike me. I have always been a very social person and it worried me that I didn't have the energy or desire to connect with people. I dreaded anything that reminded me of what had been and was no more. Now, you have to understand that I knew completely and assuredly that it was right for this relationship to end. So time and time again, I wondered why if I had done what I knew was right, the pain continued to be so intense for so long afterward. Only in the last couple of months has the desire returned to meet people and be social. It is still hard for me. It requires a lot of courage every day for me to "put myself out there." I am more shy than I have ever been in my life...and yet I have a determination to put myself in situations where I can meet new people and overcome my shyness. I am forcing myself to rebuild because there is no other way that I want to go than forward. I am learning that this rebuilding process is life, and thankfully I have the knowledge that none of us has to rebuild alone. We have a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ guiding us through each step if we let them. Our Savior is the Master Trailblazer. He has traveled all unknown paths. He has built back up everything that has ever been wrecked and He can rebuild us every time the wrecking crane hits us. I have seen this in my life. As I have been sincere about moving forward in the ways He would have me do, I have been given specific, step by step direction that has led me to good places, holding exactly what I need to rebuild my heart. Through these sacred directions from Him, I have been blessed to meet a whole handful (and that is a lot) of the kindest, most genuine, most top-notch young men roaming UVU campus. Haha. But seriously... He has blessed me so greatly to come into association with people who have seemed to befriend me with no background, who have an obvious light and goodness in their souls, and who have given me confidence that there is something worth rebuilding for. So...here's to the zeal of building, the beauty of the wrecking crane, and the courage to rebuild. I'll leave you with a little Martina McBride to drive my point home. :)

"Anyway"

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love 'em anyway


You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream, I love
Anyway

Look Up

I created this blog several months ago, and then never did anything with it. I have thought about it a few times, and couldn't even remember what I named it. Something made me check it out tonight and I have to be honest that I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the title I had given my blog. "Look Up" became an inspirational phrase a few years ago for me, as I read 2 Nephi 2:28. I love this chapter in the Book of Mormon, and for some reason, as I read this verse that day, the phrase "look up" came to my mind. I wrote it in my scriptures, in journals, on sticky notes to put on my door and walls. In General Conference in October 2011, I was touched when Elder Carl B. Cook gave a talk based around this idea, and an experience he had with President Monson. It was a tender mercy of sorts.

I feel it so appropriate and important at this time of my life to have "Look Up" as one of my life motto's. Each day, I get up with many concerns and cares on my mind. I wonder about school and my ability to perform the tasks there. I wonder about how my body will feel that day - will I have the physical strength to do the things that are required of me and even more, will I be able to handle whatever physical suffering I experience in the day in a Christlike way? Will I have the charity in my heart to be selfless and kind enough as I interact with my family and others throughout the day? I wonder if I will be all I should be and do all I should do. As I kneel each morning and ask my Heavenly Father for help through the day, I am reminded of who and what I am looking to in my life and reassured that all will be well because I cannot fall if I am built on His rock. When I look up to Him and to His will, everything in my life falls into place. I am at peace.

This is a time of my life when I feel like there are so many different possibilities and sometimes that makes me anxious. I am seeing though, that as I 'Look Up' all the fear leaves. I find total peace as I obey the promptings of the Holy Ghost that come line upon line, precept on precept. It is becoming a sure pattern for me: I receive a prompting, and if I obey, peace follows. I am starting to worry less about what will happen and trust more in my Heavenly Father's love and power. I see His hand working so consistently in my life and I see the way He turns all things for my good. Looking up to Him brings peace. Wondering what is going to happen and how it is going to happen destroys my peace. I know that as we look to Him we can find grace to help us through each day. He is there, ever waiting. He guides us step by step, if we desire Him to, to get us to our happy ending, our Heavenly Home. Happiness and peace can be ours in the meanwhile, if we will but look up. After all, He is the Prince of Peace.