"The Clouds Ye So Much Dread"

I hope that if you ever read any of my blog posts, you will read this one. 

 Because this one is about some of the biggest pieces of my heart and life that I have ever written about.

I love the hymns of the LDS Church. The whole basis of this post comes from the hymn called "God Moves in a Mysterious Way." I discovered this hymn several years ago and it has been one of my favorites ever since. One verse in particular has stuck with me and ministered to my spirit over and over again. It says:

"Ye fearful saints
            Fresh courage take
                  The clouds ye so much dread
                             Are big with mercy and shall break
                                                     In blessings on your head."

This verse first comforted me about an anxiety/phobia issue that I dealt with quite severely as a teenager. It gave me strength to know that my fears weren't as bad as they may have seemed to me. These words would resurface often in my mind during difficult times and comfort me over the next several years.

A couple months ago, we sang this hymn in sacrament meeting after a talk that had brought up something close to my heart - something painful. I wondered at how I could overcome it, and how I could get through it and the larger implications it seemed to have in my life. It seemed so big, so full of bad things. Then we sang this hymn, and when we got to this verse I knew the Lord was speaking to me. I knew He was telling me that this trial that looked like such a big dark storm cloud was in fact full of blessings because of the way He can turn all things to our good.

Later, I was further enlightened by thinking about how storm clouds become dark when they become full of moisture and then it rains because they are so full they can't hold the moisture anymore. Rain is often looked at negatively, and we often compare trials to rain (even though a lot of people love rain - I don't know exactly where that comparison began). That being so, the meaning of this verse became more apparent: The cloud becomes heavy and full and looks dark and foreboding to us. We cover our heads in fear of what the rain will bring down because all we see is the darkness of the clouds and we think that only cold, sorrowful rain is going to fall on us...

BUT....This verse of song is telling us that the reason the cloud has to break is because it so full, not of hardship, but of mercy. It is so full of love, of growth, and of blessings that it cannot even contain them and so it breaks. Sometimes it is hard for us to see the mercy in our trials, but I believe they are there...Abundantly.


A couple weeks ago, I was talking with my mom about our neighbor who has been suffering from cancer for 3 years. He now has a beautiful young family and a heartbreaking diagnosis. We love him and have learned so much from his example. As we were talking, part of our own family's story came up. I am the youngest of 7 children - Two brothers, followed by a sister, followed by three more brothers, and then me. The brother just older than me passed away at 14 months old in an accident in our driveway.

My parents have treated this trial in an amazing way. My mother, particularly  has taught me the truths of the Plan of Salvation with total faith and no bitterness about/from that experience. As we talked the other night and I shared with her my favorite line from this hymn, I had an "ah-ha!" moment as I realized that the power of my mother's testimony to me throughout my life has come from knowing that she lost a child just two and a half years before I was born. She taught me closely and carefully and constantly about Jesus Christ and about how because of what He did we would be together with our Andrew again.  Everything she has taught me throughout my life and her life has sunk so deeply into me because I knew she wasn't just saying it, and I knew that she didn't just know it-- she had lived it and experienced it. The Atonement had cleansed her of any chance for bitterness or anger and had made her heart soft to receive all the truth, love, faith, and learning that can come from such a profound experience. I saw in that moment just one of the many ways that the cloud of my brother's death was full of mercy. I knew that my mother's testimony was so solid and so true and so authentic because of this experience and because it happened just before I came into our family, it was fresh with her and so she was teaching me with all of her learning from this experience from day one of my mortal life. I know she had a stalwart testimony before that, but I am confident that one of the reasons her testimony has always been so real to me is because she carries no bitterness from that experience and because of how she has always used it as an opportunity to testify to me of God's truths.   For me, that cloud broke with mercy and blessings.

I had so much peace and hope as I thought about our neighbors and how this trial for my family has been such a blessing in so many ways (for those who have chosen to look for the blessings in it). I knew that all would be well for them and that this trial, too, is a cloud full of mercy and will break in blessings on their heads.

I have hope that other clouds in my life are full of mercy and blessings which will be shown in the Lord's time...

• A continued struggle with anxiety and other health issues
• A difficult relationship with a family member
• A massive fear of having a bad marriage

These things often tear at me on an hourly basis, sometimes a momentary basis. However, my purpose of this post is to let you know that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in His Atonement. I believe in His healing. I believe in His ability to turn all things for our good. I believe that there is mercy in each of our trials and that though this life presents many challenges, that He equips us with all we need to get through it safely and with a whole heart. I have found most of the time, that we can be just about as whole as we want to be if we will turn to Him. I believe in His mercy, I believe that He is the silver lining in every cloud and that the opportunity to come closer to Him and to believe more deeply in His promises and His truths is how He offers us mercy through our trials. How I love Him and how I praise Him for all His goodness and love!

If you've read all this and have gotten to this point, I hope that you will reflect on the clouds in your life that may be offering you mercies which you have not yet claimed.

"God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform. He plants his footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take. The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head. His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour. The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower."

When Things "Don't Work Out"

Lots of thoughts today. Some are random, some less random.

Today, I felt like nothing was "working out." Like my endeavors in things I've really wanted to do, wanted to do well in, or just plain wanted were all falling to pieces. Kind of a continuation of how I'd been feeling in my last post, but even more-so. I sat in a chair in the institute building at UVU today, mulling these things over in my mind, and feeling a little bit teary-eyed as I texted my mom to tell her about how I was feeling. I told her "I feel like the things I want to do and the things I want to work out haven't been for about the last 4 months.....or maybe the last 7 years." Then, as I thought about this feeling about how nothing was working out, I felt a gentle spiritual nudge from my Heavenly Father saying "What if, in fact, everything IS working out?" And right then, I knew that was the truth. Everything is working out, because it's going the Lord's way. He is guiding it all, so it is working out, even though the things that I base "working out" on aren't the same as what He bases it on. I have the utmost comfort at this, and the utmost reassurance about the course of my life. I am so grateful for that answer.

Shortly after that little pity party and special experience, I felt prompted to go see if a professor was in his office whose class I am still way behind in. I went and he was there.  The main thing I have to make up is a test. We talked about my options for a few minutes and determined that I would just take the test next week, whenever I am ready (He is super nice). Then, he got up from his desk and walked across his office to a stack of tests and said "You know what, I'm just going to give you the test and you can work on it as you can. You can use the book and just do it as you have time." I almost cried. This is the toughest subject for me this semester and I have really struggled with the material. His kindness and letting me use the book will probably change the outcome of my grade in the class, not to mention I will actually be able to do it little pieces at a time, as I am ready. I felt so grateful, and felt so grateful to my Heavenly Father for showing me that things really are "working out." What a nice little man that professor is!

It has been raining for days! I kind of love it but not really. Yesterday I was thinking about THIS song and this movie scene all day long and wanted to re-enact if every time I was outside. Today on my drive home I was thinking about the phrase "Singing in the rain." I made a goal to sing in the rain more.  It seemed applicable for my life lately. Even though it's been raining, I can still sing. And I can sing IN the rain. Ha, take that, rain! I can sing all I want, no matter what you do. Then, I thought of this song, and then the fact that I was thinking about all these songs about rain, made me think about this song, "Songs About Rain." I know...weird. What can I say, my brain connects everything.

I am at a restless point in my life. I need a change, an adventure, something. I just can't quite put my finger on what that might be. Maybe summer will help. My body sure wants summer.

If you don't know this about me, I love classical music, and all sorts of instrumental music. I've played the cello and the piano for years and I have fallen in love with so many pieces that I've been blessed to learn of over the years. Here are a few that I've been thinking about today/recently. If you're not a classical music buff, look these up! You just might like some of them. I LOVE music!!
-Peer Gynt Suite by Grieg
- Firebird Suite Finale by Stravinsky
-Unaccompanied Cello Suite by Bach
-The main theme of the movie "The Patriot" by John Williams
-The Trout Quintet by Schubert
-Intermezzo from Cavalleria Rusticana by Mascagni
- Beethoven's Symphony no. 5
-Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin

...And if you want some music for fun, check out these guys. :)

Tender Mercies

Maybe I'm the only one who's had a crazy semester and an even crazier past month...but I doubt it. :)

For the past 5 weeks, I've had bronchitis and asthma: two things I've never dealt with before in my life. I've honestly never had a severe respiratory illness other than when I had RSV as a baby. This has been super scary and super painful! This semester had already been full of lots of annoying, inconvenient, and hard things. School-wise it's probably been my most wearing semester. I have always excelled in school. My lowest grade ever in my college career to date is a B+, earned in calculus last semester. I worked my tail off in that class and came out with only a B+. New feeling for me... I can usually get A's by doing the bare minimum. This semester,  I feel like B's will be gifts in the majority of my classes. Haha. In short, I have always felt Heavenly Father's hand over my schoolwork. He has helped me pull through and do well even in the face of big challenges. This semester, there were so many little things that have just gone "wrong" where school is concerned. Then I got sick with this beast of a respiratory bug. I missed a week of school. (Please don't think I'm trying to complain. I didn't go to school for my whole senior year of high school because of health problems so I know a week isn't a big deal. I am just setting up the background for why this post is important.) More or less, for the past little while, I have felt a little like everything was falling apart. The breaks that usually seemed to come to help me with school, or health or other trials hadn't been around in quite some time. Peace hadn't been very abundant in my life. But.... sometimes it takes somewhat of a dark backdrop in our lives to be able to more clearly see the Lord's tender mercies to us.

• I have been so caught up in my life and have not given nearly enough to those around me lately. I apologize to those of you who deserve so much more from me. But here are some acts of kindness and tender mercies that have made the past couple of months more bearable for me. Thank you all for who you are in my life. I couldn't make it through without Christ-like friends. 

• The first week I was sick, my home teachers (who had just barely been assigned to be my home teachers) brought me orange juice one night. It cheered my day. 

• One day as I was looking for a parking spot at school, there was a car pulling out who I hadn't noticed, and there was another girl who had seen and I could tell was going to take the spot. I was just about to pull by when the girl gestured for me to take the spot and drove on. I recognized the girl as she drove by. She was in my class that was probably beginning in about 5 minutes...She needed the spot as much as I did, but she let me take it. It meant something to me that day. 

• Somehow I was able to work out days to make presentations and take tests that I missed while I was sick. It seemed impossible and I still don't have all the work done, but my professors were able to make accommodations and I should be able to make up everything I need to.  A topic for a presentation I needed to make came together quite quickly and in a way that was perfect for what is required in the presentation. It was one of the little things that "worked out" when everything else seemed like it wasn't.

• I went to the temple this week for the first time in a several weeks because of this illness. I saw a person in the temple who some time ago made some actions that disappointed me (and maybe hurt my tender spirit a little bit). The Spirit had given me a feeling a couple months ago that the Lord would show me some of this person's good works rather than letting me dwell on negatives. The Lord already had shown me some of the good works of this person and had allowed me to move forward from our interactions. However, when I walked into the temple and saw that person, I knew the Lord was still fulfilling that promise to me of bringing to light this person's goodness. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. My gratitude wasn't anything to do with the person though....It was all over the fact that Heavenly Father cared about me enough to carry out His promise, even when I didn't feel I needed it anymore. I had to be there at the exact time to see that person and I knew Heavenly Father had guided my day so that would happen. It reminded me that Heavenly Father cares about the small things in our lives...the small things that matter to us. He cares enough to minister to us in our biggest and our smallest of trials. Also while in the temple, the baptistry was very crowded and was standing room only at times. I was super tired from not getting much sleep the night before and after I had been standing for a several minutes, my lungs and legs were screaming to be able to sit down and rest. A lady and her daughter were in front of me. There was one spot left on the bench and they let me sit down rather than one of them taking it. It was so small, but exactly what I needed at that moment and I considered it a tender mercy. 

• Sister Dalton's and Brother Stanley Ellis's talks in General Conference today. 

• Last, because this is getting long, but certainly not because this is a comprehensive list of my blessings, Heavenly Father has brought people into my life over the course of the past many months who have blessed, strengthened, reminded, and guided me. Some have even had the amazing effect of bringing healing into my life, and of giving me confidence in my dreams which I had previously lost. I am so grateful for the amazing people Heavenly Father has blessed me with. 

I want to close by saying that I know that life is not easy for anyone. It has certainly not been easy in any way for me, but I also know that my life is not as hard as many others. Life is designed so personally for each of us - To test us and build us in the very specific ways we most need so that we can reach exaltation. I know that no matter what happens in our lives, the answer for us is Jesus Christ. He will succor us, He will direct us, He will help and heal us. I know that He does not always run right to our rescue, because if He did, we would not be able to grow as much as we need to, however I do know that He is always there and that He always listens when we pray. We can feel Him close, no matter what we are going through if we will but pray and listen and obey His commandments. May He bless you in whatever struggles you are facing. 

Kindness and prayer make my world turn round.

Happy Conference everyone!