Because this one is about some of the biggest pieces of my heart and life that I have ever written about.
I love the hymns of the LDS Church. The whole basis of this post comes from the hymn called "God Moves in a Mysterious Way." I discovered this hymn several years ago and it has been one of my favorites ever since. One verse in particular has stuck with me and ministered to my spirit over and over again. It says:
"Ye fearful saints
Fresh courage take
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head."
This verse first comforted me about an anxiety/phobia issue that I dealt with quite severely as a teenager. It gave me strength to know that my fears weren't as bad as they may have seemed to me. These words would resurface often in my mind during difficult times and comfort me over the next several years.
A couple months ago, we sang this hymn in sacrament meeting after a talk that had brought up something close to my heart - something painful. I wondered at how I could overcome it, and how I could get through it and the larger implications it seemed to have in my life. It seemed so big, so full of bad things. Then we sang this hymn, and when we got to this verse I knew the Lord was speaking to me. I knew He was telling me that this trial that looked like such a big dark storm cloud was in fact full of blessings because of the way He can turn all things to our good.
Later, I was further enlightened by thinking about how storm clouds become dark when they become full of moisture and then it rains because they are so full they can't hold the moisture anymore. Rain is often looked at negatively, and we often compare trials to rain (even though a lot of people love rain - I don't know exactly where that comparison began). That being so, the meaning of this verse became more apparent: The cloud becomes heavy and full and looks dark and foreboding to us. We cover our heads in fear of what the rain will bring down because all we see is the darkness of the clouds and we think that only cold, sorrowful rain is going to fall on us...
BUT....This verse of song is telling us that the reason the cloud has to break is because it so full, not of hardship, but of mercy. It is so full of love, of growth, and of blessings that it cannot even contain them and so it breaks. Sometimes it is hard for us to see the mercy in our trials, but I believe they are there...Abundantly.
A couple weeks ago, I was talking with my mom about our neighbor who has been suffering from cancer for 3 years. He now has a beautiful young family and a heartbreaking diagnosis. We love him and have learned so much from his example. As we were talking, part of our own family's story came up. I am the youngest of 7 children - Two brothers, followed by a sister, followed by three more brothers, and then me. The brother just older than me passed away at 14 months old in an accident in our driveway.
My parents have treated this trial in an amazing way. My mother, particularly has taught me the truths of the Plan of Salvation with total faith and no bitterness about/from that experience. As we talked the other night and I shared with her my favorite line from this hymn, I had an "ah-ha!" moment as I realized that the power of my mother's testimony to me throughout my life has come from knowing that she lost a child just two and a half years before I was born. She taught me closely and carefully and constantly about Jesus Christ and about how because of what He did we would be together with our Andrew again. Everything she has taught me throughout my life and her life has sunk so deeply into me because I knew she wasn't just saying it, and I knew that she didn't just know it-- she had lived it and experienced it. The Atonement had cleansed her of any chance for bitterness or anger and had made her heart soft to receive all the truth, love, faith, and learning that can come from such a profound experience. I saw in that moment just one of the many ways that the cloud of my brother's death was full of mercy. I knew that my mother's testimony was so solid and so true and so authentic because of this experience and because it happened just before I came into our family, it was fresh with her and so she was teaching me with all of her learning from this experience from day one of my mortal life. I know she had a stalwart testimony before that, but I am confident that one of the reasons her testimony has always been so real to me is because she carries no bitterness from that experience and because of how she has always used it as an opportunity to testify to me of God's truths. For me, that cloud broke with mercy and blessings.
I had so much peace and hope as I thought about our neighbors and how this trial for my family has been such a blessing in so many ways (for those who have chosen to look for the blessings in it). I knew that all would be well for them and that this trial, too, is a cloud full of mercy and will break in blessings on their heads.
I have hope that other clouds in my life are full of mercy and blessings which will be shown in the Lord's time...
- A continued struggle with anxiety and other health issues
- A difficult relationship with a family member
- A massive fear of having a bad marriage
These things often tear at me on an hourly basis, sometimes a momentary basis. However, my purpose of this post is to let you know that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in His Atonement. I believe in His healing. I believe in His ability to turn all things for our good. I believe that there is mercy in each of our trials and that though this life presents many challenges, that He equips us with all we need to get through it safely and with a whole heart. I have found most of the time, that we can be just about as whole as we want to be if we will turn to Him. I believe in His mercy, I believe that He is the silver lining in every cloud and that the opportunity to come closer to Him and to believe more deeply in His promises and His truths is how He offers us mercy through our trials. How I love Him and how I praise Him for all His goodness and love!
If you've read all this and have gotten to this point, I hope that you will reflect on the clouds in your life that may be offering you mercies which you have not yet claimed.
"God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform. He plants his footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take. The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head. His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour. The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower."
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