Just one more good boy....

Throughout my life I think I can honestly say that I have been blessed to be friends with some of the most special, spiritual, stand-up people to have ever lived in my generation. Seriously. Through those years, I have had the privilege of knowing some extremely good young men. They have been such a huge blessing and motivating factor in my life. I think I can honestly say that much of who I am today has been shaped by those good young men I've had the blessing of associating with. Two or three, in particular, have really helped me see a proper vision of who I am through the way they've treated me, and who I can become through the way their goodness has inspired me to be better. 

The point of all that is to tell you that yesterday, I was on the receiving end of the example of one more good boy's example. I was in the temple doing baptisms for the dead. There were a couple young adult men helping with the ordinances who were not temple workers. Shortly after I got out to the font, one of them entered to be the baptizer. I do not know why this happened to me yesterday....I have been at the temple plenty of other days when young men have been there volunteering to help with ordinances, but yesterday, this young man's example literally pierced my heart. He emanated a spiritual joy that felt to reflect joy and gratitude at being in the temple. I had been having a little bit of a rough day and needed comfort and reassurance. For some reason, the fact that there was a boy who had chosen to be at the temple as a volunteer to baptize people on a Saturday afternoon and that he had such joy about it filled my heart and gave me so much comfort. I was comforted that there are people like that out there; I was essentially comforted by this person's goodness. I know that young man had no idea that the Lord was going to use his simple service to bless someone else's life in such a profound way. He was simply doing a good thing. In doing so, the Lord used his example to change my day and remind me of things I was doubting about people. (And no, that has nothing to do with dating, I promise.) I was so grateful for that person and that he was there, serving in the temple with such joy. He was just one more good boy - I don't even know his name -  but his actions blessed me in a way that I do not think I can even put into words. 

So, let me encourage each one of you....Keep doing the good things you do. You never know when Heavenly Father may use your example to deeply bless and answer the needs of someone else, even through actions that may not seem like a big deal to you. Being good really does make a difference. 

The Gentle Healer

A few thoughts...

"Gentle Healer" - Selah
This song has been one of my favorites for years. I recently found this version of it and I have listened to it probably 100 times in the past week. Not only do I love the music but I love the message of the song. I think of the woman with the issue of blood in the scriptures when I hear this song. Having had ongoing health problems for years, I can picture the despair of this woman who had spent all her living on physicians trying to find something to make her better and nothing did. Finally, when she literally had no other avenue of hope left, she was in a place where the true Healer was. Her faith in Him and in His power was so great that all she had to do was touch His clothes and she was healed. Her faith inspires me, but her hope in the true source of healing is even more tender to me. I have a testimony of Jesus Christ as the Gentle Healer in my life. Emphasis on the word gentle. I am learning more and more of His gentleness, His kindness and His intense care for every concern and difficulty we have. I am overwhelmed by the vastness of His love, evidenced in his atoning sacrifice. I am so so so so weak in so many ways and yet He is always there. His forgiveness, patience, mercy and grace are endless and how intensely grateful I feel for that. I know there is healing for all things in Him. His beckon call "Come unto me," is one of the most beautiful phrases I have ever heard. I think coming unto the Gentle Healer is the most beautiful experience that we are afforded in this life. It has certainly been the most beautiful experience of my life.

Heavenly Father speaks to us through the power of the Holy Ghost. Personal revelation is real. If we will seek the Lord, we will find him and he will tell us through the power of the Holy Ghost all things which we should do. He loves us that much! :)

Kindness is joy. There is nothing more thrilling to me than being kind. I am certainly not perfect at it, however, the opportunities presented to us each day to spread kindness, love and gratitude are really what keep me going. Knowing that there is an endless opportunity to do good and love others makes me feel of greater value and lets me know I can always be of service to the Lord.  For more thoughts on how you can be an example of Jesus Christ and an influence for good, no matter where you are, check out this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a special witness of Jesus Christ. Israel, Israel, God Is Calling

Finally, I love the temple. I am so grateful to be so near to such a holy place. Going there re-centers me on God's plan for the human family, and on his plan for me and my family, both present and future! I rejoice that families can be sealed together forever in holy temples. We are so so blessed. :) Happy Sunday, everyone. :)

Perfectly Imperfect

You know how sometimes life feels like the learning curve you are on couldn't be steeper? I thought that three years ago when I was the sickest I had ever been in my life for the longest period of time I have ever experienced. Lately though, I have been on a different learning curve that I think may be even harder.

I have had the opportunity to learn lately that I am literally nothing. This is possibly the greatest blessing of my life. Since I was little, I've had a perfectionist mentality. I've always expected more of myself than I could probably ever possibly be in my mortal state. In recent years, this mentality has begun to weigh me down and affect the way I viewed my relationship with God. I began to view Him as a condemning judge who told me all of the things I wasn't doing perfectly, rather than applying the atoning blood of Christ in my life and recognizing my need for repentance and forgiveness. In short, I expected myself to not need repentance, rather than to work to retain a remission of my sins by maintaining a "posture of repentance," as Elder Maxwell once said. I have lately been hit so hard by all of my imperfections that I have come to see that I literally am nothing. Try as I might to be all I want to be, I will always fall short. I will always be less than what I would like to be. It is for this, that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and rose again. I have always known He did, and that His Atonement is real, but recently, my afflictions of the soul have caused me to need to begin to seek the depth of that atonement and how it can carry me, cleanse and heal me in my daily life.  I am nothing. But that is not a statement of weakness or of despair, or of sadness. It is one of joy. Joy that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He swallows up all my pain and fear. It is joy that I can lean on a perfect Being and be made strong through His grace. It is joy and relief that I don't have to heal or fix all the things I unknowingly break. Perhaps the greatest relief the Atonement has brought me lately has been the gift of moving on, letting go, and forgiving. I didn't understand how holding onto anger, fear, frustration, etc. was cankering my soul. I was honestly unaware of how much I was not letting Him take. The burden literally felt too heavy to bear. I finally reached a point where I wanted nothing more than to be free of it, to be clean. The process has been beautiful and has taught me valuable lessons about not holding on to negativity in my life and relationships. I marvel at the power of the Atonement to make me whole, even when my circumstances don't really change. He really can change our hearts, if we so desire. His mercy has changed the course of my life in the past couple of months. Not to say that it didn't have profound place and impact before, but I never knew Him like I  do now. I never knew the power of His grace in the way I do now. I rejoice that I get a lifetime to continue learning about His marvelous healing power, and how He extends mercy. I pray that I'll be able to share this light and peace and love I have learned with those around me. 

...To get to the point of this post though, I have to refer to the title I gave it. "Perfectly imperfect" is a phrase that Brother Wayne Brickey used in his book "Making Sense of Suffering" to describe this life. This phrase comforts me. It's not just imperfect. Mortality's imperfections are perfect. Imperfections being perfect....What a thought. I could not agree more with Brother Brickey. I have seen that each day of my life is perfectly designed in its imperfections and weaknesses to offer me the most perfect opportunities possible to practice coming unto my perfect Savior. Our trials are not merely to make our lives hard, they are to offer us opportunities to build faith and to see the hand of God work in our lives. I found myself recently feeling like I was waiting for a time when things would calm down, not be so hard, and all would be "perfect." I have been divinely tutored to understand that God's intention when He allows us to have trials is not "hard," but faith. The point is not to get through trials as quickly as we can, so we can get back to our life...This is our life. This is the journey which will lead us to know Christ. It is a journey to be lived, not feared; to enjoy, not shrink away from; to share, not to withhold, etc. I testify that you and I can have joy now because this existence is not just imperfect, it is perfectly imperfect. How I love my Heavenly Father for His perfect Plan of Salvation and my Savior for making it possible. 

Faith, not Optimism

So, I first have to express my slight embarrassment over my last post. This embarrassment first came when I checked something on my Google+ account one day, and saw the link to my blog post. The blaring words in the link were "I am obsessed with getting married." Oh my goodness....Who writes that and publishes it on the Internet for all to see?! The second part of my embarrassment came when I was talking with a friend of mine (who just so happens to have also been a previous boyfriend) and he mentioned seeing my post. He laughed. I turned red inside. Then I laughed. Then I promised myself to be a little more discretionary in what I share on this blog. I didn't think people actually read it. Ha.

I feel somewhat 'tempest tossed' lately. Well, to be honest, that feeling has been going on for quite some time. Chronic illness (though I know my pain is much less than many of my dear friends) has taken its toll emotionally as well as physically. I constantly feel emotionally drained. Sometimes there are multiple times in a day when I just have to 'escape' from it and I will sleep or watch a movie. Sometimes those moments make me feel like I am giving up and sometimes I literally do for a few minutes at a time, until I can regroup and gain the courage to face a few more hours. I am making this sound a lot worse than it is. It isn't as depressing as it sounds but it is difficult. However, it is the difficulty of it that allows for the most beautiful spiritual learning that I have ever experienced in my life. 

I have the most amazing opportunity to learn to use the Atonement in my life right now, though I am not always able to see it as such. That comes from being human. Sometimes I struggle on my own, thinking that I can make it and I can fix what is broken within me but that approach only leads me to great discouragement. Last weekend, I felt pretty down. The physical ailments my body has gone through in the past several months have been deeper, harder and more painful than anything I've experienced thus far in my life. They have been challenging in ways nothing else has. My empathy for those who deal with chronic pain, depression and other things is so much bigger. My heart goes out to you if you are one such person. Last weekend... I was so down. A lot of my discouragement was coming from the fact that I just couldn't make myself feel 100 % optimistic about life 24/7. I thus labeled myself as a pessimistic person because I just couldn't always feel happy about constant pain and nausea. I felt like I was sinning because I wasn't constantly optimistic. Then, after a long talk with my amazing mom, the Lord gave me the best thought ever. It was this: "What if there isn't really such a thing as being optimistic or pessimistic? What if those words, terms, emotions, whatever, are relative? Change your thoughts of whether or not you are optimistic to whether or not you have faith in Jesus Christ. My expectation of you is not that you feel happy all the time, it is just that you have faith in Jesus Christ. If your attitude is one of faith, all you need for happiness and optimism will come to you." This relieved me of labeling myself as something I didn't want to be and opened up a whole new world of becoming. Be happy all the time even when I am hurting? Maybe I can't do that, but believe in Jesus Christ? I can do that! President Monson's words, "THE FUTURE IS AS BRIGHT AS YOUR FAITH" came to life. I understand them in a way I never have before. 

Heavenly Father is helping me to learn about me and He is helping me to learn about Jesus. He is helping me to learn about me and Jesus and what it means that I have a Savior who suffered and atoned for me. What more glorious truth can we have? We have the blessing of an eternal perspective as we face the challenges and sorrows of this life. We know that we do not have to stay in this place forever, but that after our brief time of testing and growth in a mortal body in a mortal world, we have blessings untold which await us for our faithful endurance. God is good. His love is everywhere. He wants us to have peace and joy. He provides the opportunity for that peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

My last thought is about the power of prayer. I have prayed all my life and have seen blessings come and things work out for me that seemed impossible. However, through this illness, I have learned more about prayer than I could have ever imagined. One of the things I love about prayer is how Heavenly Father listens. He lets me pour out my soul to Him and tell Him all about everything that I am grateful about and everything that is challenging for me. He doesn't try to stop me (though sometimes if my heart is stubborn, He reminds me of truth before I say things I don't really mean. He is so perfect!). Then, when I am done and have shared the burdens of my soul with Him, He allows His Spirit to enter my heart and give me whatever it is that I most need to keep going with hope. He encourages, enlightens, inspires and assists me. He helps me know that there is power in the Atonement of his Son. How grateful I am to know of my loving Father in Heaven who is only a prayer away. He is there for you, too. :)  

Chin up.   

    

Obsessed...

I am obsessed with getting married. Because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and my understanding of my divine nature, marriage and motherhood are my greatest desires in this life. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was not obsessed with having a husband and family. I think back to my childhood and remember how strong those feelings were. My make-believe games were always to do with my husband and children. I had names for all of them, and would walk them up and down the hall by my bedroom pretending I was soothing a fussy baby at church. Haha...Clearly this has been occupying the brain for quite a while.

Marriage is much more appealing to me because I know it can be forever. I do not think I would want it if I thought it was going to end. This song (http://www.jaredosmond.com/the-story-behind-the-music-of-jared-osmond/innocent-ones-2/this-is-heaven/) expresses my feelings somewhat. My favorite line is "And so this is the plan of God, to never have to let go." The thought of never having to let go, never having to really say goodbye fills me with the greatest sweetest happiness. I feel so blessed to be among the minority in the world who know that their marriage and their family can last forever. Marriage has always been something that I have wanted to give everything to. I have seen and felt portions of the great love I know I will possess for the person I marry, but I feel that the love I have felt for others has truly been only a portion. When I think about what a marriage is, I am overwhelmed by what I imagine that love must feel like. To be willing to share all that you do in a marriage, I know that it will be a love far beyond anything I have yet experienced in my life and I so look forward to feeling that love for someone. A previous CES Instructor of mine and good friend of our family told me on several occasions that he could sense from me how much I would love my husband one day. He assured me that though that intense love I often have for people made life difficult at age 17, that great love would be a blessing beyond comprehension to my husband and to me when we are married. He told me of how he had always been outgoing and confident, but that it was his wife's love that brought him true confidence and continued to feed his confidence. He told me this after I told him about my broken teenage heart because the boy I loved more than anyone and anything loved someone else more than me. I remember being comforted by his words then and I have returned to them many times in my mind. I hope with all sincerity that the love I have for my husband will be so big, so great, so massive, so pure, so true, so good, so infinite, that it will make him love being in love, that it will fill him up, that it will make each day a little piece of heaven. I hope. That is the kind of wife I want to be. 

I recently got to be part of the wedding day of one of my best friends. We've been friends for as long as I can remember and she is the first of my really close girlfriends to get married. I felt so much happiness for her and her new husband that I wondered how I will be able to handle the intensity of my joy when it is my turn. I will never forget how beautiful they were together on that day. I felt blessed to be in their presence, and that I got to hear about many of the steps in their journey to getting married as they were happening. Thinking back on their special day and the parts of it I got to share with them, I wish I could bottle the feeling and the scenes of that day and share them with anyone who was wondering if a temple marriage was worth it, or if it is right. I wish I could impress that vision upon the hearts and minds of all my family members, friends, and all the young people I will ever know in my life, to show them what it is like when two people are clean, truly in love, and sealed for eternity by Priesthood authority. There is nothing more beautiful to me. It made me want that blessing for myself more intensely as I saw the sweet love they shared. I am grateful for the examples of good people around me who help keep me on track to get where I want to be.

Last thought... We went camping for a couple days with some of my family this week. My sister-in-law and I were talking about dating and a couple guys I am interested in and one of my nephews was listening in. He looked up and said loudly "I want another uncle!" I laughed and told him I would love to give him another one and asked what he recommended I do to help that happen. "Ask someone to marry you. Oh wait, the boy is supposed to do that. Well...if I were a w...  nevermind."  Me: "If you were a woman?" Him: "Yeah. If I were a woman, and I was you, I'd just ask someone to marry me."
He's the same nephew who asked a boy I was dating when he was going to marry me at the very first family event he came to...and I am pretty sure we had only been dating for about a week at that point. When my really good sport of a date told him to stay tuned, my nephew asked if he could have a sleepover with him instead. Hahahaha.....Me thinks this kid will not be wasting any time when his turn comes.  

Life is Good.

Life is good. There have been some days lately that I did not feel like I could honestly say that. But my heart has been opened to see my blessings again and to love life and the challenge it is. I write a few thoughts tonight that have lifted me in recent days and weeks. I also list a few other random thoughts and some of the things that have made life feel good this week.

-I felt overwhelmed one day by how hard life was. I wondered if my whole life will be as difficult as these past few years have been or more difficult. The thought made me shake in my shoes. Then the Spirit reminded me that God wants us to be celestial people and that is why this life gets to be so hard. The higher the heat, the more refined we can become. The Spirit helped me remember that I want to be Celestial material, and thus, why would I desire that life be easier? If I want it easier, then my reward will be less. This reminder made me less worried about having life be hard and instead made me rejoice in the difficulty, because for just a moment, I understood the purpose of it.

-Jesus Christ always has enough. He always has enough time, energy, love, peace, hope, mercy, compassion, etc. He has enough to give to me. He has enough to fill me up and make me enough. When I feel like I am not enough or don't have enough within me to bear the burdens of this life, He lifts me up with His great power, goodness, light, hope, and love.

-Goodness is attractive. I have always known this, but today it hit me in a deeper way. As I get to know different young men, and spend time around them, there is one thing that makes me love them or not love them more than anything else. It is their goodness (or lack thereof). Sometimes I get caught up in hoping that the person I marry or date looks a certain way or dresses a certain way or likes certain things etc. I worry about how we will get along and what he will be like and if my family will like him. Today it hit me that ultimately, there is only one thing that really matters to me. Goodness. I decided that if he is good to the standard I have, and I have the go-ahead from the Spirit, nothing else matters. Good looks might be a little plus, but I realized with gratitude how what I look for has changed over the years. Looks don't mean what they did when I was 14. Haha. Goodness, optimism, virtue and the light of the Spirit are what matter beyond all else. I pray that I can find someone who so enraptures me with their goodness that I feel no need to be concerned about anyone else.

-I have the cutest family ever. The little people who we have been blessed to have in our family are so delightful. I am blessed to be an aunt of some of the sweetest, cutest, funniest, smartest, kindest children. I love my family.

-The Atonement covers all things. As I focus on my relationship with Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, other relationships don't seem as difficult. When my eye is single to Them, nothing makes me afraid. I know all is well. ALL IS WELL.

Tears of Gratitude

I was given a beautiful gift tonight. I have shed many tears of pain and discouragement today. Sickness, pain, and discomfort in one way or another have been almost non-stop for the past couple of months, and especially the past several weeks. Preceding and following an upper GI endoscopy to stretch my incredibly painful, swollen, and restricted esophagus which had limited my eating for a good week (and felt like it was limiting my breathing), a nasty virus struck, complete with body aches, itchy and matter-y eyes, massive nausea, and fever. Family members who had a similar thing claimed it may have come back with my brother from a hunting trip in Argentina. This lasted a full week or so and also limited my eating. Only a day or two after that seemed to finally be clearing up, stomach pain began. I recently eliminated about half of the foods that were part of my diet due to food allergies. I'd had a lot of stomach pain, cramps, and acid reflux before removing these foods. After I removed them, the stomach and intestinal pains that I couldn't figure out were almost all gone. It was wonderful! So, this new pain was unnerving. It was intense and unlike anything I've experienced in the past few years that my body has been so sick during. It began the beginning of last week. Maybe I developed some new allergy? Who knows...All I know is that this has continued since then....almost two weeks. It seems to have been getting increasingly worse. At first I only noticed it after I would eat in the morning. It was pretty mild, but Saturday night, it began to hurt as I was going to bed. It was bad. Thankfully, some essential oils cleared it up quickly and I fell asleep. It returned after I ate Sunday morning and Sunday night as I went to bed it hit again. I was wide awake, writhing on the bathroom floor for a good hour or more. It had never been that bad. I tried eating different things the next few days, and not taking some vitamins that I thought might be hurting it, but to no avail. The pain still came after almost every meal. After I ate breakfast this morning, the pain began. I laid down and waited for it to pass as it has other days, but it didn't. The normal hour or so that is has been lasting turned into 2, 3, 4. I was exhausted by the time it finally let up a little bit, but didn't leave. The pain of all day has seemed like almost more than I could bear. I haven't wanted to bear it.
However, there have been bright spots throughout the day. The biggest came tonight as my mom read a few passages out of Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven Is Here. We have both recently read it and the book itself is incredibly beautiful and inspiring. I highly recommend it. However, the tender mercy came as I heard my mom read. Her sweet voice telling a story took me back to childhood. We used to lay on her bed and she would read stories to me, often eating apple slices or carrot sticks. Haha. I LOVE this memory. I remember those carrot sticks and apple slices tasting better when they were eaten on her bed at story time than anywhere else. How I love the way she would read aloud, her voice so soft, sweet, nurturing and filled with love. I can't describe how her voice would fill me with love as she read those sweet stories to me. I somehow knew that all the love in her voice was love for me. The way she read those books to me let me know that she loved being my mother. I cherish her. She is my best friend. Tonight, the sound of her voice comforted me. For just a moment, it made everything ok as it used to. Knowing she was right there and that she has been close to me all day, and all of so many days that I have spent on the bathroom floor made me feel safe. I know I cannot begin to imagine all her sacrifices, tears, prayers, and hours spent on my behalf. But the fact that I can't is what makes me love her so much. That kind of love is so powerful. The love and influence of a faithful mother is incalculable. My eyes filled with tears as I listened to her read tonight. Tears of gratitude. Gratitude for this faithful woman who has consistently taught, tutored and stayed close to me. Gratitude for all her love, even when I am most unlovable. Gratitude for her constant presence in my life. Gratitude that her love has had the power to dispel fear, doubt, discouragement, and pain throughout my life. How grateful I am for such a mother.
As I lay on the couch, another thought came that made me feel safe. It was the hope of the future. The thought was that one day I will be laying on a couch and I will be well. I will be laying there to relax at the end of the day, and my body will no longer struggle as it does now. The person walking around the room won't be my mother but my husband. If I am laying there in sickness, perhaps it will be because another person is soon to join our family - another hopeful thought because being at that point would mean that healing had come to my body. I think often of this future and it gives me hope. It is a beacon of light in a circumstance that makes marriage and motherhood feel overwhelming, even impossible at times. Though I long for these blessings, I have recently come to appreciate the fact that they have not come to me yet as a total act of mercy from my Heavenly Father. Every time I am laying on the bathroom floor, I feel thankful that I don't have a husband in the next room and I feel the hope for recovery that will allow me to be closer to the kind of wife I want to be. I know this probably sounds funny and you may be thinking I am too young to get married anyway. All I can say, is that there has not been a day in all of my life that I have not longed for, thought about and wanted to get married and be a mom. It has always been the foremost thought and desire of the foremost importance in my mind and heart. So, as I think of the divine promises I have received over the recent years and months of recovery, I look forward. I look forward to the thing I want to be well for. I feel that I have lesser patience with my ill body than I ever have before because there is something that I soooo want to be well for. In the meantime, I am grateful that I am going through these physical trials without the responsibility of a family, though I feel assured that if I had those responsibilities right now, God would make me equal to the task. I am grateful for the hope of recovery. I am grateful for the hope and promises of a future husband and family. I am grateful to know that God sees all and hears all my prayers. I am grateful for every good day I have, for every meal I can eat. I am grateful that I have been able to hold to my faith through it all. And I am grateful that in moments of pain, I can have profound spiritual realizations and feelings of gratitude because of the hope that comes through the  Gospel of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice.