When Things "Don't Work Out"

Lots of thoughts today. Some are random, some less random.

Today, I felt like nothing was "working out." Like my endeavors in things I've really wanted to do, wanted to do well in, or just plain wanted were all falling to pieces. Kind of a continuation of how I'd been feeling in my last post, but even more-so. I sat in a chair in the institute building at UVU today, mulling these things over in my mind, and feeling a little bit teary-eyed as I texted my mom to tell her about how I was feeling. I told her "I feel like the things I want to do and the things I want to work out haven't been for about the last 4 months.....or maybe the last 7 years." Then, as I thought about this feeling about how nothing was working out, I felt a gentle spiritual nudge from my Heavenly Father saying "What if, in fact, everything IS working out?" And right then, I knew that was the truth. Everything is working out, because it's going the Lord's way. He is guiding it all, so it is working out, even though the things that I base "working out" on aren't the same as what He bases it on. I have the utmost comfort at this, and the utmost reassurance about the course of my life. I am so grateful for that answer.

Shortly after that little pity party and special experience, I felt prompted to go see if a professor was in his office whose class I am still way behind in. I went and he was there.  The main thing I have to make up is a test. We talked about my options for a few minutes and determined that I would just take the test next week, whenever I am ready (He is super nice). Then, he got up from his desk and walked across his office to a stack of tests and said "You know what, I'm just going to give you the test and you can work on it as you can. You can use the book and just do it as you have time." I almost cried. This is the toughest subject for me this semester and I have really struggled with the material. His kindness and letting me use the book will probably change the outcome of my grade in the class, not to mention I will actually be able to do it little pieces at a time, as I am ready. I felt so grateful, and felt so grateful to my Heavenly Father for showing me that things really are "working out." What a nice little man that professor is!

It has been raining for days! I kind of love it but not really. Yesterday I was thinking about THIS song and this movie scene all day long and wanted to re-enact if every time I was outside. Today on my drive home I was thinking about the phrase "Singing in the rain." I made a goal to sing in the rain more.  It seemed applicable for my life lately. Even though it's been raining, I can still sing. And I can sing IN the rain. Ha, take that, rain! I can sing all I want, no matter what you do. Then, I thought of this song, and then the fact that I was thinking about all these songs about rain, made me think about this song, "Songs About Rain." I know...weird. What can I say, my brain connects everything.

I am at a restless point in my life. I need a change, an adventure, something. I just can't quite put my finger on what that might be. Maybe summer will help. My body sure wants summer.

If you don't know this about me, I love classical music, and all sorts of instrumental music. I've played the cello and the piano for years and I have fallen in love with so many pieces that I've been blessed to learn of over the years. Here are a few that I've been thinking about today/recently. If you're not a classical music buff, look these up! You just might like some of them. I LOVE music!!
-Peer Gynt Suite by Grieg
- Firebird Suite Finale by Stravinsky
-Unaccompanied Cello Suite by Bach
-The main theme of the movie "The Patriot" by John Williams
-The Trout Quintet by Schubert
-Intermezzo from Cavalleria Rusticana by Mascagni
- Beethoven's Symphony no. 5
-Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin

...And if you want some music for fun, check out these guys. :)

Tender Mercies

Maybe I'm the only one who's had a crazy semester and an even crazier past month...but I doubt it. :)

For the past 5 weeks, I've had bronchitis and asthma: two things I've never dealt with before in my life. I've honestly never had a severe respiratory illness other than when I had RSV as a baby. This has been super scary and super painful! This semester had already been full of lots of annoying, inconvenient, and hard things. School-wise it's probably been my most wearing semester. I have always excelled in school. My lowest grade ever in my college career to date is a B+, earned in calculus last semester. I worked my tail off in that class and came out with only a B+. New feeling for me... I can usually get A's by doing the bare minimum. This semester,  I feel like B's will be gifts in the majority of my classes. Haha. In short, I have always felt Heavenly Father's hand over my schoolwork. He has helped me pull through and do well even in the face of big challenges. This semester, there were so many little things that have just gone "wrong" where school is concerned. Then I got sick with this beast of a respiratory bug. I missed a week of school. (Please don't think I'm trying to complain. I didn't go to school for my whole senior year of high school because of health problems so I know a week isn't a big deal. I am just setting up the background for why this post is important.) More or less, for the past little while, I have felt a little like everything was falling apart. The breaks that usually seemed to come to help me with school, or health or other trials hadn't been around in quite some time. Peace hadn't been very abundant in my life. But.... sometimes it takes somewhat of a dark backdrop in our lives to be able to more clearly see the Lord's tender mercies to us.

• I have been so caught up in my life and have not given nearly enough to those around me lately. I apologize to those of you who deserve so much more from me. But here are some acts of kindness and tender mercies that have made the past couple of months more bearable for me. Thank you all for who you are in my life. I couldn't make it through without Christ-like friends. 

• The first week I was sick, my home teachers (who had just barely been assigned to be my home teachers) brought me orange juice one night. It cheered my day. 

• One day as I was looking for a parking spot at school, there was a car pulling out who I hadn't noticed, and there was another girl who had seen and I could tell was going to take the spot. I was just about to pull by when the girl gestured for me to take the spot and drove on. I recognized the girl as she drove by. She was in my class that was probably beginning in about 5 minutes...She needed the spot as much as I did, but she let me take it. It meant something to me that day. 

• Somehow I was able to work out days to make presentations and take tests that I missed while I was sick. It seemed impossible and I still don't have all the work done, but my professors were able to make accommodations and I should be able to make up everything I need to.  A topic for a presentation I needed to make came together quite quickly and in a way that was perfect for what is required in the presentation. It was one of the little things that "worked out" when everything else seemed like it wasn't.

• I went to the temple this week for the first time in a several weeks because of this illness. I saw a person in the temple who some time ago made some actions that disappointed me (and maybe hurt my tender spirit a little bit). The Spirit had given me a feeling a couple months ago that the Lord would show me some of this person's good works rather than letting me dwell on negatives. The Lord already had shown me some of the good works of this person and had allowed me to move forward from our interactions. However, when I walked into the temple and saw that person, I knew the Lord was still fulfilling that promise to me of bringing to light this person's goodness. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. My gratitude wasn't anything to do with the person though....It was all over the fact that Heavenly Father cared about me enough to carry out His promise, even when I didn't feel I needed it anymore. I had to be there at the exact time to see that person and I knew Heavenly Father had guided my day so that would happen. It reminded me that Heavenly Father cares about the small things in our lives...the small things that matter to us. He cares enough to minister to us in our biggest and our smallest of trials. Also while in the temple, the baptistry was very crowded and was standing room only at times. I was super tired from not getting much sleep the night before and after I had been standing for a several minutes, my lungs and legs were screaming to be able to sit down and rest. A lady and her daughter were in front of me. There was one spot left on the bench and they let me sit down rather than one of them taking it. It was so small, but exactly what I needed at that moment and I considered it a tender mercy. 

• Sister Dalton's and Brother Stanley Ellis's talks in General Conference today. 

• Last, because this is getting long, but certainly not because this is a comprehensive list of my blessings, Heavenly Father has brought people into my life over the course of the past many months who have blessed, strengthened, reminded, and guided me. Some have even had the amazing effect of bringing healing into my life, and of giving me confidence in my dreams which I had previously lost. I am so grateful for the amazing people Heavenly Father has blessed me with. 

I want to close by saying that I know that life is not easy for anyone. It has certainly not been easy in any way for me, but I also know that my life is not as hard as many others. Life is designed so personally for each of us - To test us and build us in the very specific ways we most need so that we can reach exaltation. I know that no matter what happens in our lives, the answer for us is Jesus Christ. He will succor us, He will direct us, He will help and heal us. I know that He does not always run right to our rescue, because if He did, we would not be able to grow as much as we need to, however I do know that He is always there and that He always listens when we pray. We can feel Him close, no matter what we are going through if we will but pray and listen and obey His commandments. May He bless you in whatever struggles you are facing. 

Kindness and prayer make my world turn round.

Happy Conference everyone!

Who Would You Share the Gospel With??

I LOVE SCHOOL!!!
I love my school. I love everything about the opportunities I have at my University, and especially the opportunities I have because of the LDS Institute there. The Lord worked hard to make sure that I ended up at UVU for my college education. As in He changed the course of my life so drastically my senior year of high school through a long-term illness, that UVU was literally my only option. I was bent on going to BYU, but I am now so grateful I was not able to choose that path. However, throughout my three years at UVU, there have been multiple times when I did not want to be there, and was bent on transferring to BYU as soon as possible. With the help of the Spirit, each time I've felt this way, I've been reassured that UVU was exactly where I needed to be and as more wonderful experiences came out of my being there, I was able to accept with more and more gratitude that this is where I ended up.

In the past week or so, the Lord has made me painfully aware that I will not be in this place of my life forever.....and especially that I will not be at UVU and the institute there forever. This has brought me some sadness to think about (not because I want to stay in this phase of life forever, but because I've come to love the place so much for all the experiences I've had here), but with this thought has also come a determination to make the best possible use of my time in this place. I suddenly have an increased desire to be involved in everything I possibly can. I want to seize all the opportunities I have not yet taken. As I was thinking about this tonight, I thought about the people who I've been impressed to somehow befriend or share the Gospel with who I've met in classes at UVU. I realized that I have not acted fully on many of those impressions, and I feel ashamed of that. The thought came "If for some reason, tomorrow was your last day to get to be a student at UVU, who would you share the Gospel with? What actions would you take in sharing the Gospel that you have so far been too afraid to take?" This question pierced the very center of my heart. There are actions I need to take to invite certain individuals to learn more of Christ. I know exactly who they are, and I am thankful to the Lord for telling me to stop being afraid and stop putting it off.

So.....Wherever you are: life, a job, a class, etc..... If you knew your time there was limited, what would you do, specifically, WHO WOULD YOU SHARE THE GOSPEL WITH??

(Sorry for so many blog posts lately. I am really not that into blogging, this is just a super convenient way to record some of the things that have been important for me to remember lately. Forgive me for so many posts recently.)

Just one more good boy....

Throughout my life I think I can honestly say that I have been blessed to be friends with some of the most special, spiritual, stand-up people to have ever lived in my generation. Seriously. Through those years, I have had the privilege of knowing some extremely good young men. They have been such a huge blessing and motivating factor in my life. I think I can honestly say that much of who I am today has been shaped by those good young men I've had the blessing of associating with. Two or three, in particular, have really helped me see a proper vision of who I am through the way they've treated me, and who I can become through the way their goodness has inspired me to be better. 

The point of all that is to tell you that yesterday, I was on the receiving end of the example of one more good boy's example. I was in the temple doing baptisms for the dead. There were a couple young adult men helping with the ordinances who were not temple workers. Shortly after I got out to the font, one of them entered to be the baptizer. I do not know why this happened to me yesterday....I have been at the temple plenty of other days when young men have been there volunteering to help with ordinances, but yesterday, this young man's example literally pierced my heart. He emanated a spiritual joy that felt to reflect joy and gratitude at being in the temple. I had been having a little bit of a rough day and needed comfort and reassurance. For some reason, the fact that there was a boy who had chosen to be at the temple as a volunteer to baptize people on a Saturday afternoon and that he had such joy about it filled my heart and gave me so much comfort. I was comforted that there are people like that out there; I was essentially comforted by this person's goodness. I know that young man had no idea that the Lord was going to use his simple service to bless someone else's life in such a profound way. He was simply doing a good thing. In doing so, the Lord used his example to change my day and remind me of things I was doubting about people. (And no, that has nothing to do with dating, I promise.) I was so grateful for that person and that he was there, serving in the temple with such joy. He was just one more good boy - I don't even know his name -  but his actions blessed me in a way that I do not think I can even put into words. 

So, let me encourage each one of you....Keep doing the good things you do. You never know when Heavenly Father may use your example to deeply bless and answer the needs of someone else, even through actions that may not seem like a big deal to you. Being good really does make a difference. 

The Gentle Healer

A few thoughts...

"Gentle Healer" - Selah
This song has been one of my favorites for years. I recently found this version of it and I have listened to it probably 100 times in the past week. Not only do I love the music but I love the message of the song. I think of the woman with the issue of blood in the scriptures when I hear this song. Having had ongoing health problems for years, I can picture the despair of this woman who had spent all her living on physicians trying to find something to make her better and nothing did. Finally, when she literally had no other avenue of hope left, she was in a place where the true Healer was. Her faith in Him and in His power was so great that all she had to do was touch His clothes and she was healed. Her faith inspires me, but her hope in the true source of healing is even more tender to me. I have a testimony of Jesus Christ as the Gentle Healer in my life. Emphasis on the word gentle. I am learning more and more of His gentleness, His kindness and His intense care for every concern and difficulty we have. I am overwhelmed by the vastness of His love, evidenced in his atoning sacrifice. I am so so so so weak in so many ways and yet He is always there. His forgiveness, patience, mercy and grace are endless and how intensely grateful I feel for that. I know there is healing for all things in Him. His beckon call "Come unto me," is one of the most beautiful phrases I have ever heard. I think coming unto the Gentle Healer is the most beautiful experience that we are afforded in this life. It has certainly been the most beautiful experience of my life.

Heavenly Father speaks to us through the power of the Holy Ghost. Personal revelation is real. If we will seek the Lord, we will find him and he will tell us through the power of the Holy Ghost all things which we should do. He loves us that much! :)

Kindness is joy. There is nothing more thrilling to me than being kind. I am certainly not perfect at it, however, the opportunities presented to us each day to spread kindness, love and gratitude are really what keep me going. Knowing that there is an endless opportunity to do good and love others makes me feel of greater value and lets me know I can always be of service to the Lord.  For more thoughts on how you can be an example of Jesus Christ and an influence for good, no matter where you are, check out this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a special witness of Jesus Christ. Israel, Israel, God Is Calling

Finally, I love the temple. I am so grateful to be so near to such a holy place. Going there re-centers me on God's plan for the human family, and on his plan for me and my family, both present and future! I rejoice that families can be sealed together forever in holy temples. We are so so blessed. :) Happy Sunday, everyone. :)

Perfectly Imperfect

You know how sometimes life feels like the learning curve you are on couldn't be steeper? I thought that three years ago when I was the sickest I had ever been in my life for the longest period of time I have ever experienced. Lately though, I have been on a different learning curve that I think may be even harder.

I have had the opportunity to learn lately that I am literally nothing. This is possibly the greatest blessing of my life. Since I was little, I've had a perfectionist mentality. I've always expected more of myself than I could probably ever possibly be in my mortal state. In recent years, this mentality has begun to weigh me down and affect the way I viewed my relationship with God. I began to view Him as a condemning judge who told me all of the things I wasn't doing perfectly, rather than applying the atoning blood of Christ in my life and recognizing my need for repentance and forgiveness. In short, I expected myself to not need repentance, rather than to work to retain a remission of my sins by maintaining a "posture of repentance," as Elder Maxwell once said. I have lately been hit so hard by all of my imperfections that I have come to see that I literally am nothing. Try as I might to be all I want to be, I will always fall short. I will always be less than what I would like to be. It is for this, that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and rose again. I have always known He did, and that His Atonement is real, but recently, my afflictions of the soul have caused me to need to begin to seek the depth of that atonement and how it can carry me, cleanse and heal me in my daily life.  I am nothing. But that is not a statement of weakness or of despair, or of sadness. It is one of joy. Joy that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He swallows up all my pain and fear. It is joy that I can lean on a perfect Being and be made strong through His grace. It is joy and relief that I don't have to heal or fix all the things I unknowingly break. Perhaps the greatest relief the Atonement has brought me lately has been the gift of moving on, letting go, and forgiving. I didn't understand how holding onto anger, fear, frustration, etc. was cankering my soul. I was honestly unaware of how much I was not letting Him take. The burden literally felt too heavy to bear. I finally reached a point where I wanted nothing more than to be free of it, to be clean. The process has been beautiful and has taught me valuable lessons about not holding on to negativity in my life and relationships. I marvel at the power of the Atonement to make me whole, even when my circumstances don't really change. He really can change our hearts, if we so desire. His mercy has changed the course of my life in the past couple of months. Not to say that it didn't have profound place and impact before, but I never knew Him like I  do now. I never knew the power of His grace in the way I do now. I rejoice that I get a lifetime to continue learning about His marvelous healing power, and how He extends mercy. I pray that I'll be able to share this light and peace and love I have learned with those around me. 

...To get to the point of this post though, I have to refer to the title I gave it. "Perfectly imperfect" is a phrase that Brother Wayne Brickey used in his book "Making Sense of Suffering" to describe this life. This phrase comforts me. It's not just imperfect. Mortality's imperfections are perfect. Imperfections being perfect....What a thought. I could not agree more with Brother Brickey. I have seen that each day of my life is perfectly designed in its imperfections and weaknesses to offer me the most perfect opportunities possible to practice coming unto my perfect Savior. Our trials are not merely to make our lives hard, they are to offer us opportunities to build faith and to see the hand of God work in our lives. I found myself recently feeling like I was waiting for a time when things would calm down, not be so hard, and all would be "perfect." I have been divinely tutored to understand that God's intention when He allows us to have trials is not "hard," but faith. The point is not to get through trials as quickly as we can, so we can get back to our life...This is our life. This is the journey which will lead us to know Christ. It is a journey to be lived, not feared; to enjoy, not shrink away from; to share, not to withhold, etc. I testify that you and I can have joy now because this existence is not just imperfect, it is perfectly imperfect. How I love my Heavenly Father for His perfect Plan of Salvation and my Savior for making it possible. 

Faith, not Optimism

So, I first have to express my slight embarrassment over my last post. This embarrassment first came when I checked something on my Google+ account one day, and saw the link to my blog post. The blaring words in the link were "I am obsessed with getting married." Oh my goodness....Who writes that and publishes it on the Internet for all to see?! The second part of my embarrassment came when I was talking with a friend of mine (who just so happens to have also been a previous boyfriend) and he mentioned seeing my post. He laughed. I turned red inside. Then I laughed. Then I promised myself to be a little more discretionary in what I share on this blog. I didn't think people actually read it. Ha.

I feel somewhat 'tempest tossed' lately. Well, to be honest, that feeling has been going on for quite some time. Chronic illness (though I know my pain is much less than many of my dear friends) has taken its toll emotionally as well as physically. I constantly feel emotionally drained. Sometimes there are multiple times in a day when I just have to 'escape' from it and I will sleep or watch a movie. Sometimes those moments make me feel like I am giving up and sometimes I literally do for a few minutes at a time, until I can regroup and gain the courage to face a few more hours. I am making this sound a lot worse than it is. It isn't as depressing as it sounds but it is difficult. However, it is the difficulty of it that allows for the most beautiful spiritual learning that I have ever experienced in my life. 

I have the most amazing opportunity to learn to use the Atonement in my life right now, though I am not always able to see it as such. That comes from being human. Sometimes I struggle on my own, thinking that I can make it and I can fix what is broken within me but that approach only leads me to great discouragement. Last weekend, I felt pretty down. The physical ailments my body has gone through in the past several months have been deeper, harder and more painful than anything I've experienced thus far in my life. They have been challenging in ways nothing else has. My empathy for those who deal with chronic pain, depression and other things is so much bigger. My heart goes out to you if you are one such person. Last weekend... I was so down. A lot of my discouragement was coming from the fact that I just couldn't make myself feel 100 % optimistic about life 24/7. I thus labeled myself as a pessimistic person because I just couldn't always feel happy about constant pain and nausea. I felt like I was sinning because I wasn't constantly optimistic. Then, after a long talk with my amazing mom, the Lord gave me the best thought ever. It was this: "What if there isn't really such a thing as being optimistic or pessimistic? What if those words, terms, emotions, whatever, are relative? Change your thoughts of whether or not you are optimistic to whether or not you have faith in Jesus Christ. My expectation of you is not that you feel happy all the time, it is just that you have faith in Jesus Christ. If your attitude is one of faith, all you need for happiness and optimism will come to you." This relieved me of labeling myself as something I didn't want to be and opened up a whole new world of becoming. Be happy all the time even when I am hurting? Maybe I can't do that, but believe in Jesus Christ? I can do that! President Monson's words, "THE FUTURE IS AS BRIGHT AS YOUR FAITH" came to life. I understand them in a way I never have before. 

Heavenly Father is helping me to learn about me and He is helping me to learn about Jesus. He is helping me to learn about me and Jesus and what it means that I have a Savior who suffered and atoned for me. What more glorious truth can we have? We have the blessing of an eternal perspective as we face the challenges and sorrows of this life. We know that we do not have to stay in this place forever, but that after our brief time of testing and growth in a mortal body in a mortal world, we have blessings untold which await us for our faithful endurance. God is good. His love is everywhere. He wants us to have peace and joy. He provides the opportunity for that peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

My last thought is about the power of prayer. I have prayed all my life and have seen blessings come and things work out for me that seemed impossible. However, through this illness, I have learned more about prayer than I could have ever imagined. One of the things I love about prayer is how Heavenly Father listens. He lets me pour out my soul to Him and tell Him all about everything that I am grateful about and everything that is challenging for me. He doesn't try to stop me (though sometimes if my heart is stubborn, He reminds me of truth before I say things I don't really mean. He is so perfect!). Then, when I am done and have shared the burdens of my soul with Him, He allows His Spirit to enter my heart and give me whatever it is that I most need to keep going with hope. He encourages, enlightens, inspires and assists me. He helps me know that there is power in the Atonement of his Son. How grateful I am to know of my loving Father in Heaven who is only a prayer away. He is there for you, too. :)  

Chin up.